Some days are a struggle...

I hate the feeling like life is passing me by because ive been to fat or sick to enjoy it, now that my Cancer is gone I dont feel sick anymore, well not as much, I still get alot of pain and I still get tired very easy but now when im exercising Im learning what my bodies new boundries are and just how far i can push myself before my body has enough and the pain becomes to much.

After my surgery i gave in a little bit, the depression kicked back in and before i knew it i was back to comfort eating again and before my eyes the numbers on the scale started to creep back up and i was 149.9kgs, I was shattered when i seen that on the scale and it was the wake up call i needed for the second time around, I was terrified that if i didnt start changing my ways i would be back to being that fat unhappy girl who would hide from the world.

That was 2 weeks ago i seen that number come up and it was the wake up call i needed to kick my own arse back into gear again and get back to turning my life around. 

When i weighed in on wednesday i weighed 148.6kgs, i had lost 1.3kgs in a week & that felt so awesome but what felt even better was i finally had to buy some new clothes because my other ones are way to big, back in March i brought a new hoodie that was a 5xl and this time when i brought my new hoodie its now a 2xl, It was the best feeling when i put on the 2xl and it fitted, my new hoodies are so warm, they are fully lined on the inside which makes them warmer but also they dont stretch so seeing they fit really helped me get back in the right frame of mind to start making those numbers go down again. 

Mum wanted me to take out a chocolate mud cake the other day for afternoon tea for her & a friend, Im so proud to say that yes i did take the chocolate mud cake out to mums place for afternoon tea but while they had the cake I ate a orange and didnt have a peice of cake. 

YAY GO ME! 

But as much as there has been good days ive also crashed and burned a lot too, there has been days where i didnt want to get out of bed, ive been feeling useless and to be honest ive been struggling to deal with everything ive been through. Ive cried alot and some days its been a struggle to even find a smile. Ive had stages when even when im in a room full of people i still feel alone, I hate the woman i see when i look in the mirror and i still struggle with the fact the my body has let me down.

I dont want to be the woman i see in the mirror so now im going to change it, Im going to try to let people in more instead of shutting out the world, Im going to get fit & healthy and get back to enjoying life again. 

I used to be fit, I used to run alot, I miss running and i also miss being able to walk into a normal clothes store and just buy something off the rack and know it will fit.

No matter what im not giving up and i know i will get fit & healthy and i hope in time to be able to look in the mirror and have a reflection to be proud of. 

So watch this space because a new me is coming. 

Love Always

Mandy

xoxo

Just a quick update... 3 months Cancer free

Sorry i havent written for a few weeks, Ive had a lot on my mind but not sure where to start...
Well i had my first 3 month tests done, to be honest they hurt a bit, they just arent a little bit uncomfortable. Well the good thing is i only have to have them done every 3 months &so far i am CANCER free for a bit over 3 months.
Im slowly starting to enjoy life again im still taking it one day at a time and im trying my hardest to not get upset about my scar or the fact that i cant do everything i used to do before my surgery, Im slowly building my fitness back up, today i did my first 5km walk since the surgery, Im so proud, when i got home i only had a small amount of pain and im looking forward to going a little further tomorrow, Im hoping to be able to slowly build it up to more than 10kms.
So much has happened in the last few weeks since i wrote.
I still have nightmares and am struggling to sleep more than a few hours each night, They are horrible nightmares that feel so realistic, most times when i have the nightmares i wake up with tears flowing freely. I still dont like my scar and think its ugly, i cant look at myself but im slowly trying to train my mind to not think of it as a ugly reminder that my body let me down but instead to view it as a beautiful reminder than i am string and make it through anything.
Im hoping that with time my scar will fade and so will my hatred for it, its just another thing i have to take it one day at a time and hopefully one i will wake up and the scar wont be the first thing on my mind.
Cancer is never far from my mind either, with every ache or pain my body has i stress and get worried that its the cancer returning to another part of my body. Hopefully thats one thing that will change in time.
I recently went to the funeral of a close family friend who sadly lost her life due to cancer, She was a beautiful lady who used to know my grandfather and grandmother, She had lived a full and happy life surrounded by a wonderful family full of her children, grand children & great grand children, the funeral was a beautiful service and a lovely goodbye to her.
So i was wondering if i could ask my readers who are religious to please pray for comfort for her family as they really are lovely people.
May her soul rest in peace.
I have a beautiful braclet that Rob brought me for my 1st month cancer free, he got it engraved with SURVIVOR 19-04-2013 which is the date i was told they got all my cancer and i am now cancer free, I wear it daily to remind me that I am a survivor. Thats the photo of the braclet at the top as well as the beautiful red rose Rob brought me for my 3 month cancerversary.
I still struggle with not being able to have own our baby, Before my surgery i knew it would hit me but i dont think i ever realised just how hard it would be. Hopefully that will get easier as well.
I still have my life list that i will complete but i need to get my life back on track and my fitness back in order first and im slowly taking the steps to do that, the feeling i had tonight when i got home from my walk was a feeling i have missed, it was a feeling of pride.
We have my little sister living with us now as well, I now have someone to workout with and to come on walks with Obi and i, its been a adjustment having someone else living with us but we are figuring it all out and to be honest its been good to have someone to work out with.

I promise to try to write more regularly, but thank you to those who emailed me to check to see if i was alright and let me know your missing my blog.
Anyway i better be off now, its 3am here.
Love always
Mandy
xoxo