How many tears have to fall...

Some days i struggle to even get out of bed or i just seem to cry all day, what im going through really is the hardest thing ive ever had to go through.
I find myself still trying to put on the strong face and hide both the physical and emotional pain im going through, I have always struggled with letting people in and letting them see me even when im weak, which at the moment is so hard. I have been knitting to keep myself busy but sitting still, I swear there is so many tears in the things im knitting. Im not sure if its helping me but i do find it helps pass the hours. So far i have made a few scarf's and im working on a baby blanket for someone im close to, hopefully i will have the baby blanket finished by the time she has the baby, Ive struggled with it a bit to be honest but i cant wait to meet her beautiful baby and give lots of cuddles and of course spoil it.
My surgery wound has split back open yet again and Rob ended up taking me to the hospital emergency ward at 2am tuesday morning, the nurse patched it back up and re dressed it, Then i seen my Dr today she wanted to re stitch it but cant because it is still weeping.
Hmm never ends, I just want to be healed so i can start getting on with life, I want my life back.
Ive rang a couple of counselling places to arrange for me to talk to someone but they want my wound to be healed first before i can see one of them, to be honest i dont know how im going to go at being able to open up to them but i know i have to at least try.
Hopefully they can help me with my nightmares as well, one of the nightmares i have been having since my surgery is in my dream im pregnant but when i go to the hospital they take it away from me, Its horrible, its one of those dreams that feels so real that when i wake up i check my belly, then i see my massive wound and know that it was just a nightmare but at the same time what i have been through is a nightmare.
Even though i know its not my fault that i got Cancer, to be honest i still like my body let me down, I feel like i let myself down and I dont feel like very much of a woman anymore.
I know one day i will wake up my wound will be healed and the pain will fade, one day it wont hurt so much that i cant have a baby, one day i will forgive my body for letting me down, I just wonder how many more of my tears have to fall till it stops hurting....

Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

My first Cancerversary

On Sunday it was my first Cancerversary, One month Cancer free. 

Rob gave me a beautiful plaque thats has a saying engraved on it saying "Always speinkle flower seeds on your path of life & your life will be a walk through a beautiful garden" He also gave me 2 feather roses & a nice bracelet that we are taking in to get it engraved this week.

Its a nice feeling to have & even though i still have alot of pain from my surgery & my wound still isnt healed im trying to find positive things everyday to keep me going, Some days are harder than others though, It was Mother's Day a couple weeks ago & of course i struggled with that, last year was meant to be my last Mother's Day without me being a mum so this year hurt like hell, I cried most of the day. I wrote a status on facebook saying "f@ck you Mother's Day", Well that started a massive bitch fight, i had people commenting on the status having  go at me & then i had nasty inbox messages & text messages, It was horrible it made my day even worse, I found out who understood what im going through and who doesnt. 

Im getting better everyday, i still have bad pain but i am cutting my pain pills down slowly.

Once im healed im going to go see a councillor and hopefully they can help me through the mental pain of what im going through.

Anyway i better be off now

Love always 

Mandy

xoxo

A little bit about my surgery & what i have been through...

To all those who keep telling me i should be just happy i got rid of my cancer & dont understand why im so sad. here it is:
When i was first diagnosed with Uterine Cancer, Rob & I were planning a family of our own, So we were shattered when i got diagnosed, then we were giving a very small amount of hope when the specialists suggested i try the experimental meds, So i did because i wouldve given anything to be a mum, Then after nearly 2 years of hell & biopsy's every 3 months, We were told November last year that the meds were working and had stunted the grow of the cancer & we would be able to have a baby, Rob & i were so happy & excited till friday 7th of december when i got a call from one of the Melbourne specialist who shattered me, he told me that "the Meds had not worked & if i want to live i have to get everything ripped out", thats his words exactly, i will never forget them as long as i live. So yet again we had our dream ripped away from us & the fear of me dying crept back in, the next few months were hell & every bit of pain i had, my mind would straight away think "what if thats the cancer growing more and attacking more of my body", then i got sent to melbourne to the Mercy womans Hospital & met another specialist who was going to operate & remove the cancer which meant a full hysterectomy, She was a lovely woman, very caring, honest but most of all gentle which i have come to realise is extremely rare when it comes to specialists.
When i left that appointment i was shattered even more, I think deep down i expected to go in there & be told there was a mistake & we could have a baby but instead i left there with a surgery date, i had 5 weeks till my surgery, That next 5 weeks was the longest 5 weeks of my life i think.
Then came the day before my surgery & time make the 4 hour drive to Melbourne with Rob by my side. We were staying the night at Rob big brothers & sister inlaws house. I didnt get much sleep that night, I had about a hour and a half all up because i had so much running through my mind, excitement to be getting rid of the cancer, sadness over Rob & i losing our dream of being parents, but most of all fear, The fear of dying. I stayed awake and watched Rob sleep, he looked so peaceful & clam.
That morning while driving to the hospital for surgery was about 40 minutes but to me it felt like hours, so did sitting in the prep area waiting to get taken in to surgery. The nurses were very kind & let Rob stay with me right up till they took me in to surgery.
Saying goodbye to Rob that day hurt so bad, I was so scared that i might not wake up from my surgery, When Rob was cuddling me i didnt want to let him go.
I remember laying in the operating table before they put me to sleep & the last thing that went through my mind was thoughts of Rob & happy memories with him.
When i woke up the first thing i wanted to see was Rob, I remember seeing him when i woke up, I was so happy, it was the best feeling.
I spent the first night in the HDU unit & rob stayed there with me till i was getting tired then he had to go.
I lightly dozed on and off that night, i woke up screaming in pain every now and then. I had alot of nightmares. I had been awake for about a hour when Rob arrived, so proudly carrying flowers for me. The nurse wanted me to get out of bed and have a shower, I was so terrified, i knew it was going to hurt but i had no idea how much it was going to hurt until the nurse & Rob got me out of bed, It hurt like hell & i screamed, I couldnt walk very fast & i could hardly lift my feet, Rob helped me to the shower & helped me shower.
The day after my surgery they moved me to the Oncology ward, I had only been in the room for about 5 minutes when my roommate came over all excited and sat on the end of my bed and said "So who are you & wheres your cancer?"
she was a beautiful white haired lady named Nancy who was 78 years old, She was telling me that she had beat the same type of cancer the year before & was now back for tests to see if she had bowel cancer. Later that evening Rob, his brother & sister inlaw came in to see me & while they were there the Specialists came in to see Nancy & told her she has bowel cancer.
It broke my heart hearing her get her diagnoses, I had only spent the afternoon with her but she made a impact on my life, She spoke about her kids & grandkids so proudly.
We spoke about my Cancer in the afternoon & i promised her no matter what i would fight & now I hope she does the same.
I told her about my blog & wrote down the web address for her to have a look at it & she told me she was going to get her grand daughter to set up her computer so she could read it, so to Nancy i say:
I wish you all the best with your treatment & no matter what remember to fight & not give up.
You made a impact on my life & are someone i will never forget you.

I want to Thank the Nurses, Doctors & Specialists at the Mercy Womans Hospital in Melbourne for saving my life & i want to thank Rob for being there for me every time i need him & for helping me through it all.
Love always Mandy