Some days i struggle to even get out of bed or i just seem to cry all day, what im going through really is the hardest thing ive ever had to go through.
I find myself still trying to put on the strong face and hide both the physical and emotional pain im going through, I have always struggled with letting people in and letting them see me even when im weak, which at the moment is so hard. I have been knitting to keep myself busy but sitting still, I swear there is so many tears in the things im knitting. Im not sure if its helping me but i do find it helps pass the hours. So far i have made a few scarf's and im working on a baby blanket for someone im close to, hopefully i will have the baby blanket finished by the time she has the baby, Ive struggled with it a bit to be honest but i cant wait to meet her beautiful baby and give lots of cuddles and of course spoil it.
My surgery wound has split back open yet again and Rob ended up taking me to the hospital emergency ward at 2am tuesday morning, the nurse patched it back up and re dressed it, Then i seen my Dr today she wanted to re stitch it but cant because it is still weeping.
Hmm never ends, I just want to be healed so i can start getting on with life, I want my life back.
Ive rang a couple of counselling places to arrange for me to talk to someone but they want my wound to be healed first before i can see one of them, to be honest i dont know how im going to go at being able to open up to them but i know i have to at least try.
Hopefully they can help me with my nightmares as well, one of the nightmares i have been having since my surgery is in my dream im pregnant but when i go to the hospital they take it away from me, Its horrible, its one of those dreams that feels so real that when i wake up i check my belly, then i see my massive wound and know that it was just a nightmare but at the same time what i have been through is a nightmare.
Even though i know its not my fault that i got Cancer, to be honest i still like my body let me down, I feel like i let myself down and I dont feel like very much of a woman anymore.
I know one day i will wake up my wound will be healed and the pain will fade, one day it wont hurt so much that i cant have a baby, one day i will forgive my body for letting me down, I just wonder how many more of my tears have to fall till it stops hurting....
Love Always
Mandy
xoxo
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