I was asked how did i feel when i was first diagnosed...

Ive been asked a few times  how did I feel when I was diagnosed and how do I feel now?
Well to put it simply, Terrified.
When I was first diagnosed I was terrified but at the same time, I felt like it was all just a bad dream that I couldnt wake up from.
I still get nervous and scared when its time for me to have my tests done, Theres always that little voice in my mind that says "what if it comes back", Every strange feeling or bit of pain that I get, my mind still goes straight to the thought "Please dont return".
When I heard my specialist tell me I had cancer, to me it was almost like a out of body experience, My first thought was "this cant be true, It cant be happening to me, Im to young, I havent lived my life yet".
For a few weeks after I was diagnosed I was waiting for the phone to ring with someone telling me it was a mistake and that I didnt have cancer, Sadly that call didnt come.
The first 6 months were hell, I chose not to tell people to start with because I needed time to deal with it myself. Rob & I only told a few people that we are closest to.
I came up with a different excuse why not to tell people, There were peoples birthdays, anniversary's, holidays, weddings and just about everything else in between, It was a very busy 6 months and it was hard to go out in public and face the world when all I wanted to do was crawl up in a ball, cry and forget the rest of the world existed, But instead I put on my fake smile, Took a breath, faced the world and pretended that nothing was wrong.
When I finally decided it was time to tell people, That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. If you have been following my blog from the start then you will already know that when I told people about my diagnoses, I had some family & friends walk out of my life.
Just incase being diagnosed with cancer wasnt bad enough, then I had to deal with that as well.
I had some friends come back into my life and I also made some amazing new ones.
Everyday I lived in fear that I was going to die but I still got up, put on a smile and faced the world.
I guess i still kind of live with the same fear now, although it is a little bit different because now I fear that my cancer will return, Every ache or pain I get, that is my first thought.
I had my 1 year tests done this week and I am waiting for the results to come back, although my specialist is confident that there is no sign of it returning yet.
I got the results from my scans and there is no sign of it in my lungs which is awesome news.
So I will try not to worry to much about the other tests.

I will let you know how I go.
Love Always

Mandy
xoxo