So today was the 10 year anniversary of my best friends death and i survived the day with only a few tears this year, which is the first time since he died.
His name was Jarrod, he was only 23 years old when he died tragicly in a car accident only a little over a month before my 18th birthday.
The very first time i met him he was riding a massive white horse with black spots and he was so proudly shirtless, my mum told me there was a cowboy outside to meet me.
When i went outside i cracked up laughing, he was so proudly covered in cow poo.
He was as rough as sand paper on the outside but had a heart of gold, little did i know then how much of a impact he would have on my life.
To me he was more like a big brother than just my best friend, He was the type of friend who could make me smile even when i felt like crying or could make me furious with just one sentence.
From that day on we became best mates and my life would never be the same again.
He used to do some stupid things though to make me laugh, Thats him in the photo at the top of this blog, He dressed up in my clothes one night when i was feeling a bit down, He did it just to make me smile, thats the type of guy he was.
There was also a time when he dug up my mums tulips and planted sunflowers outside my window just to make me smile.
That memory still brings a smile to my face.
Whenever we would argue he would do the most annoying things to make me talk to him again, When i was studying at tafe he came into the classroom and refused to leave until i agreed to have lunch with him because he was bored and had the day off work.
I can still remember the look on my tafe teachers face, she was not impressed.
Some of the most mischievous & sometimes dangerous moments of my life were with him & yet the only time i would change would be the last time i saw him, If i could do that day again i would call him back for one last hug and tell him not to go.
He was the one friend that even if we were in a argument and i didnt want to talk to him, he would still come over to my place everyday just to sit and watch tv with me even though i didnt want to talk to him, His theory was he could sit there in silence just to spend time with me and on the off chance i would forgive him for what ever stupid thing he had done, Sitting in silence was defiantly not his strong point and of course it never took me very long to for me to start talking to him.
The last memory i have of him is the day he died, i spent the afternoon with him that day and even though i was sad that he was going we still laughed, had fun & of course watched the awesome cowboy movie called "8 Seconds", We watched my dvd of that movie that many times im surprised it still works.f
The last conversation i had with him we were sitting on the back of his ute and made a promise to meet up at the start of the Nullarbor for our birthday, his birthday is the day after mine.
Sadly that promise was one he never kept as it was only a few hours later that he died.
During our many conversations he would talk so proudly of his sisters and brothers, he was such a proud big brother and loved them so much.
Im not sure if he ever told them but all you had to do was mention family and he would light up when he spoke of his siblings although he lived along way away from them they were never far from his mind.
I remember the moment i was told he had died, to me it felt like i had lost a part of myself, to me he was like a big brother and i felt like my world had ended.
When i went into my room that night to go to sleep, i was angry, hurt & shattered.
I pulled the blankets back on my bed hoping to climb into my comfy warm queen size water bed and there on my brand new white silk sheets was Jarrods last message to me in massive permanent black marker he had written "Jarrod was here"
I remember instantly i smiled through my tears, i was so annoyed that he had done it but at the same time it kind of gave me comfort. That night like many other nights after i cried myself to sleep.
I didnt go to his funeral, i still lived at home, didnt have my licence and my mum wouldnt take me, so i had no way of getting there. It hurt like hell that he was gone but then i didnt get to say goodbye made it harder.
I struggled extremely hard to let anyone else get close to me again after that,
I pushed away alot of friends because i thought that anyone who got close i would lose and i couldnt handle the pain of losing another friend & i still find it hard even now to open up and let people in.
I finally went to visit Jarrods grave a couple of years ago with my Fiancé Rob, my big brother inlaw and sister inlaw.
That was a hard day, I suppose looking back now because i had the last day with him and he was going travelling so i said goodbye but it wasnt really a goodbye it was more a see you later goodbye, so when Rob suggested that we go to Wonthaggi and visit Jarrods grave i wasnt sure if i would be able to do it, after many years of rob asking me every year on either Jarrods anniversary or his birthday if i wanted to go i finally gave in.
That day driving to Wonthaggi for the first time, it felt almost like a dream, it was like i was expecting to see him there instead of a name on a nice plaque.
I was quiet all the way (which for me is very strange) i just looked out the window and took in the coountry side.
When we pulled into the cemetery my heart was racing, It was a cold day and it was Jarrods birthday, the sea wind was so cold on my cheeks, the ground was damp & i could smell the sea air.
Rob & his big brother helped me find Jarrods grave, As i turned the corner to walk down the aisle i seen his name and my heart stopped and i sank to the ground crying.
I had told Rob before we got there that i felt i needed to be alone for a while when we found the grave, I know walking away that day and leaving me crying on the ground was hard for Rob but i wanted to do it by myself.
I really dont think i wouldve ever gone there if it wasnt for the support of Rob.
We have been back a few times and when we go to Melbourne we try to make a trip out to Wonthaggi to put some flowers on Jarrods grave.
Jarrod is buried beside his father who sadly passed away a couple of days after Jarrod, the grave plaques are nice with the rm williams bull horns on them, its something that Jarrod would love.
To this day i still miss him and to talk about him still brings a tear to my eye, but today is the first time in years that i only cried a few tears, This year i made a point in remembering the good fun times we had instead of that his gone.
Im hoping that one day Rob and i will get to go to the Nullarbor & then i will be able to dance on the border like Jarrod and i had planned.
I hope he can see me on my Wedding day when i marry the love of my life Rob, I wish that he had gotten to meet Rob, but im sure if he can see me now he would know how happy i am and that i have finally found "My One".
Ive needed him so much over the past 10 years and the last year and a bit has been the toughest with me fighting Cancer, Even though i can not see him anymore im sure he is still with me as i carry him with me in my memories.
He was a rough but gentle cowboy who had a heart of gold.
I will share more memories about Jarrod with you all but this is enough for now as remembering brings many tears to my eyes.
May he forever Rest In Peace.
Love Always
Mandy
xoxo
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