When i first got diagnosed with Uterine Cancer i remember
sitting there thinking this cant be happening, they must have got it wrong. I
still only remember a little bit of what i was told because when my specialist
said the words "You have Cancer" i think my brain instantly switched
off & i went numb, I remember the voice popping into my head telling me
"dont cry, crying shows weakness", no matter how strong that voice
is, i still remember feeling the tears rolling down my face.
We decided we didnt want to tell to many people because we
needed our time to deal with it and i also didnt want to upset peoples
christmas.
When we started to tell people it was very hard and i lost alot of people, Some friends and some were family. Im not sure which one hurt more to lose.
When we started to tell people it was very hard and i lost alot of people, Some friends and some were family. Im not sure which one hurt more to lose.
In May 2012 my specialist in Albury sent me to the Oncology
Centre at the Royal Womans Hospital to see what treatment they recommended for
my Cancer. Rob and I sat and listened to
everything the Oncology specialist had to say and then the specialist said the
only treatment i had a choice off is to have a full hysterectomy, I was heart broken. Rob and I don’t have any
children and we were planning on starting a family until I got Cancer. We weren’t
given anytime to think about it or discuss it with just Rob and I, the specialist
gave me a massive stack of paperwork and told me to sign them, It was paperwork
to have a hysterectomy.
When we left the appointment I felt completely lost, I was shattered. Here we were one minute planning a family and then just like that our dream of a baby was gone with just the click of a pen.
When we got into the elevator Rob cuddled me and I burst into tears, I told him felt like I had let him down by not being able to have a baby, Rob told me that I didn’t let him down and that he would rather have me & that he loves me no matter what.
When we got home I fell into a deep depression, all I wanted to do was cry or sleep, I felt like I didn’t have any energy to even get out of bed, If it wasn’t for Rob I honestly think I would’ve given up and let the Cancer beat me.
After we had been home a couple of weeks I got a call from the Oncology specialist in Melbourne saying they had reviewed my case again and had decided to try a experimental treatment which is meant to stunt the growth of the Cancer long enough for me to lose weight and for Rob and I to have a baby, I was so excited when I got off the phone, I felt like I had been given back my dream.
We went to see my Albury specialist again and she gave me my first script of the treatment and explained to Rob and I how it would work. We left there that day, hand in hand as always and with a feeling of hope.
I had been on the treatment a few weeks when the Oncology specialist from Melbourne called me again to see if I had started the treatment yet and explain the side effects, The side effects include possible weight gain, mood swings, nausea, possible thinning of hair, facial hair growth,pain and a few others.
Since starting the treatment I have had all of those side effects but I didn’t care, all I wanted was to beat the Cancer and for Rob and I to be able to have a baby.
Then the surgery’s started, I lost count of how many biopsy’s ive had now since I first got diagnosed a little over 12 months ago. The pain I get from the surgery is bad and everytime it came time to have another biopsy I was always scared I wouldn’t wake up from it so the night before my surgery I normally cant sleep so I would sit up and write letters to those closest to me just incase I didn’t wake up from the surgery. I would always leave Robs for last because it was always the hardest to write, I mean have a think about it what do you write to the love of your life incase you don’t wake up. When I finished the letters I would put them in envelopes with each person’s name on it and put them in my bedside drawer. When I first wrote them I told Rob they were there and that if I didn’t wake up from my surgery to please give them to the people they were for.
Every surgery I have had Rob takes me there and waits for me to come out, He doesn’t leave the hospital he just waits until they tell him I woke up and he can see me.
Ive had a couple of scary moments with my surgery’s, one of the surgery’s they couldn’t wake me up from it, another one I came out of it with a massive asthma attack and a few other things but the one that scared me the most was my last one because my oxygen levels dropped to low.
I got my latest biopsy results at the end of November last year, Rob and I got the call to go to my specialist in albury, I remember thinking that we were going to get bad news and I was terrified, Then when my specialist told me my Cancer was responding to the treatment and they were going to leave me on the treatment, continue my weight loss and we would be able to have a baby. We walked out of there so happy and of course couldn’t wait to share our wonderful news with everyone.
Then on Friday 7th December 2012 when Rob was at work, I got the call that we never wanted to get and never expected to get. It was my Oncology Specialist in Melbourne, He said they had reviewed the biopsy again, my Cancer has responded to the treatment and I have to get it all ripped out to live.
I was shattered, I couldn’t understand how the Oncology specialist could be so cold and heartless in the way he told me. How could they tell us we can have a baby and that my Cancer is responding to treatment and then only 2 weeks later take all that away from us.
When I got off the phone I sat there for a few minutes crying and not knowing what to do, Rob was at work and I was home alone. I sent my mum a text message asking her if she could ring me, when she rang me I told her and she came straight to my place, she rang Robs work and told them and they sent him home to be with me. When I opened the door and seen him standing there with tears in his eyes I didn’t know what to say but im sorry I let you down, He wrapped his arms around me and told me I didn’t let him down, he loves me and wants me to live, he always just wanted me to survive and if we could have a baby then that was a extra bonus but if not then he was fine as long as he had me and we will get through this together. I held on to him so tight and I just cried for a long time.
We are currently hoping to get my surgery moved from Melbourne to Wodonga so its closer to home.
I still have to stay on the treatment until I have my surgery then theres a 70% chance I will have to go through chemo as well.
When people ask me how am I going, I always tell them “Im ok”, even though im not, Im Shattered, heartbroken, angry, scared, lost and I don’t feel like myself anymore but I find it hard to tell people what im going through. Alot of the time when im alone I cry. Im trying to deal with it and im taking it one day at a time, no matter what im going to beat the Cancer.
If it wasnt for the love and support from Rob i really dont think i would have the strength to keep fighting the Cancer.
When we left the appointment I felt completely lost, I was shattered. Here we were one minute planning a family and then just like that our dream of a baby was gone with just the click of a pen.
When we got into the elevator Rob cuddled me and I burst into tears, I told him felt like I had let him down by not being able to have a baby, Rob told me that I didn’t let him down and that he would rather have me & that he loves me no matter what.
When we got home I fell into a deep depression, all I wanted to do was cry or sleep, I felt like I didn’t have any energy to even get out of bed, If it wasn’t for Rob I honestly think I would’ve given up and let the Cancer beat me.
After we had been home a couple of weeks I got a call from the Oncology specialist in Melbourne saying they had reviewed my case again and had decided to try a experimental treatment which is meant to stunt the growth of the Cancer long enough for me to lose weight and for Rob and I to have a baby, I was so excited when I got off the phone, I felt like I had been given back my dream.
We went to see my Albury specialist again and she gave me my first script of the treatment and explained to Rob and I how it would work. We left there that day, hand in hand as always and with a feeling of hope.
I had been on the treatment a few weeks when the Oncology specialist from Melbourne called me again to see if I had started the treatment yet and explain the side effects, The side effects include possible weight gain, mood swings, nausea, possible thinning of hair, facial hair growth,pain and a few others.
Since starting the treatment I have had all of those side effects but I didn’t care, all I wanted was to beat the Cancer and for Rob and I to be able to have a baby.
Then the surgery’s started, I lost count of how many biopsy’s ive had now since I first got diagnosed a little over 12 months ago. The pain I get from the surgery is bad and everytime it came time to have another biopsy I was always scared I wouldn’t wake up from it so the night before my surgery I normally cant sleep so I would sit up and write letters to those closest to me just incase I didn’t wake up from the surgery. I would always leave Robs for last because it was always the hardest to write, I mean have a think about it what do you write to the love of your life incase you don’t wake up. When I finished the letters I would put them in envelopes with each person’s name on it and put them in my bedside drawer. When I first wrote them I told Rob they were there and that if I didn’t wake up from my surgery to please give them to the people they were for.
Every surgery I have had Rob takes me there and waits for me to come out, He doesn’t leave the hospital he just waits until they tell him I woke up and he can see me.
Ive had a couple of scary moments with my surgery’s, one of the surgery’s they couldn’t wake me up from it, another one I came out of it with a massive asthma attack and a few other things but the one that scared me the most was my last one because my oxygen levels dropped to low.
I got my latest biopsy results at the end of November last year, Rob and I got the call to go to my specialist in albury, I remember thinking that we were going to get bad news and I was terrified, Then when my specialist told me my Cancer was responding to the treatment and they were going to leave me on the treatment, continue my weight loss and we would be able to have a baby. We walked out of there so happy and of course couldn’t wait to share our wonderful news with everyone.
Then on Friday 7th December 2012 when Rob was at work, I got the call that we never wanted to get and never expected to get. It was my Oncology Specialist in Melbourne, He said they had reviewed the biopsy again, my Cancer has responded to the treatment and I have to get it all ripped out to live.
I was shattered, I couldn’t understand how the Oncology specialist could be so cold and heartless in the way he told me. How could they tell us we can have a baby and that my Cancer is responding to treatment and then only 2 weeks later take all that away from us.
When I got off the phone I sat there for a few minutes crying and not knowing what to do, Rob was at work and I was home alone. I sent my mum a text message asking her if she could ring me, when she rang me I told her and she came straight to my place, she rang Robs work and told them and they sent him home to be with me. When I opened the door and seen him standing there with tears in his eyes I didn’t know what to say but im sorry I let you down, He wrapped his arms around me and told me I didn’t let him down, he loves me and wants me to live, he always just wanted me to survive and if we could have a baby then that was a extra bonus but if not then he was fine as long as he had me and we will get through this together. I held on to him so tight and I just cried for a long time.
We are currently hoping to get my surgery moved from Melbourne to Wodonga so its closer to home.
I still have to stay on the treatment until I have my surgery then theres a 70% chance I will have to go through chemo as well.
When people ask me how am I going, I always tell them “Im ok”, even though im not, Im Shattered, heartbroken, angry, scared, lost and I don’t feel like myself anymore but I find it hard to tell people what im going through. Alot of the time when im alone I cry. Im trying to deal with it and im taking it one day at a time, no matter what im going to beat the Cancer.
If it wasnt for the love and support from Rob i really dont think i would have the strength to keep fighting the Cancer.
I have Cancer, but it doesn’t have me.
Love Always
Mandy
xoxo
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