Today i got a rose

Today i was relaxing and watching a movie with my husky, I was feeling a little bit down & i was nearly asleep, when there was a knock on the door, I opened the door to see a man holding a box with a bottle of Chardonnay & a beautiful long stemmed red rose in a glass vase, the man handed me the stick with the card on it, the card read "To Amanda, I will always Love you"
I started to cry (happy tears of course) My beautiful Hubby to be had arranged a surprise for me.
The look on the delivery mans face was priceless when i started to dry, until i explained to him that they were happy tears.
The rose is beautiful and smells so nice.
the Chardonnay im going to save for after my surgery when im finally Cancer free & when im off my Cancer meds as well.
My surgery is in 3 weeks from tomorrow, Im still a little scared but im starting to get excited as well because i will be Cancer free by the end of the year & im excited to be able to start enjoying life again.
Love always
Mandy
xoxo

The search for Knitting supplies begins...

Hello to all my lovely readers.
Yesterday i got a call from a woman at the Oncology Unit at the Mercy Womans Hospital Melbourne (where my surgery is going to be in a few weeks) she was seeing how im going & making sure im not sick, Anyway she has advised me to take up something creative after my surgery & especially for the 8-12 weeks im on stritch doctor ordered bed rest at home after my surgery, so i have taken up knitting, at the moment im not very good at it but im still only learning.
So here is my massive favour, I was wondering if any of my awesome readers out there have any wool, knitting needles or knitting things they would like to donate, i would be more than happy to take them off your hands & of course it would be extremely appreciated.

If you would like to help out please feel free to email me at

rockbartonbaker@gmail.com

Thank you all so much

Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

A 12 month comparison weight loss photo

Here is a 12 month comparison photo
What a differance a year can make. 

Im looking forward to seeing what i look like next febuary. 

I still have a long way to go but this is proof that anyone can do it.
Ive lost my weight healthily through hard work, sweat, lots of exercise & every now and then even tears.

No diets, just healthy eating, exercise, water & hard work. 

I just want to be me, i dont want to be the girl who has Cancer.

It was birthday on Friday, I turned 28 and im very proud to say it was my last birthday with Cancer.
My Birthday was pretty crap to be honest, I only got to spend a bit over a hour with Rob because his been working heaps to build up the hours to take time off for when i have my surgery, Then i spent some time with my mum (who i had to remind it was my birthday) I got a awesome card from my sister inlaw, some nice facebook messages & text messages but one of my oldest friends forgot.
My surgery is only 28 days away, It still scares me though. Im terrified about being knocked out for so long & also the pain afterwards & how long i will be in hospital for. I dont like hospitals & i dont think i will get many visitors when im in hospital.
Ive decided that when im healed after my surgery Im going to have a "I kicked Cancers arse" party.
Im looking forward to having my engery levels back so i can get stuck into my weight loss & start living a healthy lifestyle again.
Everytime i go out in public i have to put on my fake smile to make everyone else feel better when all i want to do is cry.
You can tell who really cares when they ask "How are you feeling" and you can tell the fake people who only ask because its the "polite thing to do".
Then of course theres those who avoid me all together or look at me like ive got germs...
"News flash fucktards, Its CANCER, you cant catch it"
Ive been spring cleaning our house lately & trying to take my mind off everything, It hasnt really worked though, i just get tired & end up in pain, Or i find something that Rob & i brought for a baby before we were told my Cancer treatment hasnt worked and we cant have a baby, Then i end up crying.
I feel so useless lately because i cant do very much.
I just want to be me, i dont want to be the girl who has Cancer.

Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

I started my "just incase letters" today...

You know when your having one of those sort of days when you just want to curl up, cry & sleep for days... Well thats how im feeling today.
Today i started writing my "just incase letters" as ive now started to call them.
I always forget how much it hurts & just how hard they are to write until i start writing them, I write them just incase something goes wrong with my surgery and i dont make it,  then at least the people im closest to know how much they mean to me.
I always save writing a letter to Rob for last because of course its the hardest to write.
I finally went to see my solicitor yesterday and made a will, It didnt take long.
Theres so much going through my mind coming up to my surgery and im going through so many different emotions, Im terrified about the surgery and of course all the pain afterwards but at the same time im excited at the fact that i will soon be Cancer free but lately im feeling very down and my nightmares have started again so im only getting a couple of hours sleep a night.
I got my letter from the hospital today confirming the date of my surgery and time, Tuesday 16th of April at 6:30am i will be admitted to the Mercy Woman's Hospital for my surgery.
When i rang the hospital to let them know i received the letter, the woman i spoke to was nice, She informed me that if someone is sick they are not to come near me and if someone has been near someone whos sick they arent allowed near me for 48hours and that they would prefer me to stay away from people as much as possible. I already had been told this so i knew but it was nice of her to remind me.
So i have decided that if they dont want me near people then ok i will stay home as much as possible and i will put the little bit of energy i have into exercise and lose as much weight as possible before my surgery because it will help me heal faster.
One of Robs friends gave me a Ab circle pro today, i had a go at it when i was watching a movie with my beautiful husky, It is fairly easy to use and heaps of fun, Tomorrow i am going to pick up a old exercise bike from a lady who is so kindly giving it to me.
I tried to rearrange my gym today to fit the new equipment in but i wasnt strong enough and ended up in pain.
Anyway im off now
Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

I got a date for my surgery

On friday i had my appointment at the Mercy Womans Hospital in Melbourne, The specialist was a very nice lady and the hospital is nice and clean.
I finally got a date for my surgery, Tuesday 16th of April, so i only have 5 weeks to go till my surgery.
I have so much going through my mind at the moment, Im terrified of the surgery and the pain that will follow but at the same time im excited to finally be getting the surgery and getting rid of the Cancer.
I know this sounds strange because i know i was told my Cancer hasnt responded to treatment and that i wont be able to have a baby but in a way i think the date of the surgery has hit me so hard because deep in my mind i think i was waiting for them to say it was a mistake and i can have a baby, I dont think it all sunk in just how bad my Cancer is till i seen the Oncology specialist and she started explaining my surgery to me, My Cancer is too big for me to have key hole surgery & so are the cysts on my ovaries so she explained i will be cut from hip to hip so i will be in hospital for a while.
While i was at my appointment i asked my Oncology specialist can they organise a councillor for me to talk to and she said she will get someone from the hospital to contact me because i shouldve been seeing a councillor since i got diagnosed and they will make sure i can talk to someone after my surgery as well.
Today its all hitting me and im feeling very down, Ive cried alot today.
Anyway i better be off now.
Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

My Surgery is getting closer...

My appointment in Melbourne to find out when my surgery is, is getting closer and to be honest im a little scared, sounds silly i know considering i have gone through hell with my Cancer for a little over a year now but i still get nervous when its time to see the specialists, my whole life is in their hands.
Cancer has taken so much from Rob & i but no matter what its not taking me.
So with my surgery getting closer its that dreaded time to start on my letters to those im close to incase something happens and i dont come out of my surgery.
The letters are so hard to write but in a strange way it puts my mind at ease to know that if i dont come out of my surgery my close friends and family will have something to remember me by.
My surgery is going to be in Melbourne, which is good because they have better hospitals and dr's but at the same time its not good, I will be in a melbourne hospital having the surgery that will save my life and because its so far away i most likely wont have visitors.
I decided that when i get home from my surgery im going to go talk to a councillor and see if they can help me through it.
Going through Cancer is hard and keeping everything inside makes it harder to deal with but at the same time ive found most people cant handle it when im not strong, people expect me to still be the same person ive always been so i put on the fake smile to make others feel happy or feel ok about being around me, but the truth is there are days when i struggle to even get out of bed let alone go through the day without crying.
Its scary knowing i have Cancer inside me and not knowing if its grown or not terrifies me, I want it out so i can get back to living & enjoying life, So i can have pain free days & finally have my energy back.
When i beat my Cancer theres so many things i want to do with my life but the first thing is to start living without fear again.
Every time i end up in pain the first thing that goes through my head is "is that the Cancer growing" its so hard to go through it everyday.
What i would give just to have a normal life again & to go back to just being me instead of the girl who has Cancer & cant have baby's.
Its amazing the things people take for granted.
So to all those parents out there who have had a bad day because your child played up, please take a moment to think of what i go through, When i see you in the supermarket and your tired & drained because your child kept you up all night i would trade you in a second, I would give anything to be a mum and because of my Cancer i cant, So please the next time you put your child to bed read them an extra story and give them a hug from me.
Love Always
Mandy