My Surgery is getting closer...

My appointment in Melbourne to find out when my surgery is, is getting closer and to be honest im a little scared, sounds silly i know considering i have gone through hell with my Cancer for a little over a year now but i still get nervous when its time to see the specialists, my whole life is in their hands.
Cancer has taken so much from Rob & i but no matter what its not taking me.
So with my surgery getting closer its that dreaded time to start on my letters to those im close to incase something happens and i dont come out of my surgery.
The letters are so hard to write but in a strange way it puts my mind at ease to know that if i dont come out of my surgery my close friends and family will have something to remember me by.
My surgery is going to be in Melbourne, which is good because they have better hospitals and dr's but at the same time its not good, I will be in a melbourne hospital having the surgery that will save my life and because its so far away i most likely wont have visitors.
I decided that when i get home from my surgery im going to go talk to a councillor and see if they can help me through it.
Going through Cancer is hard and keeping everything inside makes it harder to deal with but at the same time ive found most people cant handle it when im not strong, people expect me to still be the same person ive always been so i put on the fake smile to make others feel happy or feel ok about being around me, but the truth is there are days when i struggle to even get out of bed let alone go through the day without crying.
Its scary knowing i have Cancer inside me and not knowing if its grown or not terrifies me, I want it out so i can get back to living & enjoying life, So i can have pain free days & finally have my energy back.
When i beat my Cancer theres so many things i want to do with my life but the first thing is to start living without fear again.
Every time i end up in pain the first thing that goes through my head is "is that the Cancer growing" its so hard to go through it everyday.
What i would give just to have a normal life again & to go back to just being me instead of the girl who has Cancer & cant have baby's.
Its amazing the things people take for granted.
So to all those parents out there who have had a bad day because your child played up, please take a moment to think of what i go through, When i see you in the supermarket and your tired & drained because your child kept you up all night i would trade you in a second, I would give anything to be a mum and because of my Cancer i cant, So please the next time you put your child to bed read them an extra story and give them a hug from me.
Love Always
Mandy