Each workout i do, i do a little extra...

Its amazing just how cruel some people can be take today for example I had someone (who will remain nameless) inbox me on facebook and tell me I should be ashamed of myself because im so open about trying to lose weight & that instead of putting "fat people" down (her words not mine) I should be proud of my size, apparently she is ashamed of the fact that she knows me & some other horrible stuff...
Hmm so to you i say ...
I am NOT ashamed of myself but I am not proud that I gained weight.
I want my fit healthy body back, I dont want to be obese.
I dont want to be the fat girl, I want to be able to walk into a shop & know the clothes fit instead of having to be the one who reaches to the back of the rack and hopes there is a size big enough.
I dont want to be the girl who gets the nasty looks & whispers behind my back.
I want to be able to Run & dance for longer than a few minutes.
I want to not have to worry about sitting on something and breaking it.
I want to look in the mirror and see a refection to be proud of.
But most important of all i want to enjoy life & live it to its fullest instead of sitting on the sides watching it go by.
I have known you for 20 years of my life, you knew me when i was fit & healthy and you knew me at my biggest, you have seen the impact that cancer & my obesity has had on my life and you were one of the first people to congratulate me on doing something to take back my life and yet now you have a go at me because i am proud that i am taking back my life and doing something about it.
Cancer nearly killed me, I wasnt meant to live to see this christmas, I fought back and i won. I will do the same with my weight, I will fight & i will win, i will get back to being fit & healthy, If you cant stand that then im glad you deleted me.
I am going to reach my goal weight & health then i am going to train to be a personal trainer and help other people reach their maximum health as well.
The reward i get from working out is the amount of self pride i am developing, I can now honestly say that for the first time in a long time, I am making myself proud.
I beat Cancer and was given a second chance at life, not many people get that so im not going to waste it.
Im going to live my life my way and Im not apologizing for the fact that I am doing something to better my health.
Tonight i went to the gym and did another workout, Im not going to let someone be little me and put me down, Im not going to give up.
When I was growing up i was taught not to quit, "You start something and you finish it even if you come in last as long as you finish thats all that matters" (Another one of my grandpas wisdoms)
So i am not going to quit, Im going to beat this weight and build a body that i am proud of.
Im going to do it not just for me but for those who lost their life to cancer, Im going to do it for each one of them. I am so thankful to each one of the lovely people that took the time to either comment on my status, Inbox me or sms me to let me know they support me or tell me i am their inspiration, It really made my day reading the kind words from everyone.
I made a promise to my friend Brooke when i first started on my weightloss journey that no matter what i would beat cancer and i would keep going with my weightloss and i would one day be proud of the reflection i see in the mirror, I would get Fit & Healthy.
Sadly Brooke wasnt here to see me achive my goal of beating cancer and she wont be here to see me keep my promise and get fit and healthy, Due to a mistake Brooke made 12 months ago when she was driving, She sent a text message and sadly lost her life.
I still miss her alot but i miss her most when im working out, although it is easier to concentrate on the treadmill or doing weights without her pulling silly funny faces, I miss those though. Because she isnt here anymore when i do my workouts i do a little bit extra for Brooke.
When i reach my goal fitness & health and become a person trainer i know Brooke will be proud. 

Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

I Can Run....

My weight loss is on track, This week I lost 1kg as well as 1cm off my waist, thighs and upper arms.
I still have a long way to go but at least the numbers are heading in the right direction.
I have been doing my workouts at the gym at night time, I find it more peaceful as there is hardly anyone there so its not very noisy.
Iam going great with my workouts, Im really enjoying my healthy way of life. I still have set backs every now and then where i crave junk food and sometimes i give in to it but when i do i have a very small amount and then work extra hard at my next workout.
When i first started back at the gym a month ago i hated the cross trainer machine, I could only do a few minutes before i had enough but i have been working harder and heard at building up my workout and on saturday i did 25mins on the cross trainer going at 9kms, I was buggered and so sweaty when i got off but it was worth it, Same as a month ago i struggled to run at all but now i am back at running again and it feels great.
Now as a warm up i do run walks, Which is where i walk for a minute on the treadmill then run for a minute, It gets the blood pumping and gets my heart rate up.
Im getting stronger every week, after my surgery i couldnt even lift a 3 litre milk container but now i lift 75kgs on the leg press and 30kgs on chest press, I do a variety of weights as well as cardio and i have alot of protein to help with my weight loss as well as help build my muscles back up.
I get a sense of pride after i finish every workout and im looking forward to when i have reached my goal weight, I am going to become a personal trainer so i can help other people out there who think they cant do it, I think its something i will be great at because ive been there, I know how it feels to feel like your not good enough or you cant do it, When really all you need to do is try, take small steps and you will get there, I know because im doing it, Im losing weight, Getting fit & healthy and loving every second of it.
If any of you would like to come work out with me then please feel free.
I am a member of Anytime Fitness and can go to any of their gyms.

Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

My goal outfit FITS....

Well I am full steam into my new healthy living and i have to admit, Im loving it.
I am going to the gym at least 4 times a week as well as i still go for walks with my husky.
I am a full member of Anytime fitness in Wodonga, at the gym i am doing both cardio & weight training, The best feeling comes from after a hard workout.
I started on Plexus the pink drink in the mornings as well just to help kick start my weight loss again, hopefully it will work.
In the 2 weeks since i joined the gym i have only lost 800grams but at least the numbers are going in the right direction and im also building up muscles again.
Rob and I have been planing our Wedding, there is only 311 days to go till our Wedding day, Im excited and nervous at the same time.
I am excited to finally be his wife and im nervous because i want to be fit and healthy but of course i want to look awesome in my dress.
My moods have improved alot since i started working out again, I have noticed though if i dont go to the gym for a day i get really cranky and feel like im letting myself down.
I am on track to achieve my goal of being under 100kgs on my wedding, I just have to keep working hard.
I have already hit my goal for this year, I beat Cancer & I also fit into my goal outfit that i brought at the start of the year and wanted to fit into by christmas, Well actually its a size to big but i dont mind.
Thats the outfit in the photo at the top of the page.
Well anyway i better be off.
I will write again this week.

Love always
Mandy
xoxo
p.s. Wish me luck for tomorrows weigh in

Loving life....

Well im loving life, Im back on my healthy lifestyle and looking forward to seeing the change in my body as well as my mind.
So my starting weight for my new healthy living is 145.8kgs Or 321 pounds depending on where you live but either way its too much.
I have been super busy this week but still managed to go to the gym 3 times already and i am going again tomorrow, I am hoping to go every second day, I would go everyday but cant due to the cost of fuel. On my days off from the gym I am still working out at home and every day i walk my beautiful husky.
I am finding i am drinking alot more water and the cravings i have for junk food are starting to go away. I am going to do up a weekly recipe roster so then i have set meals on each day so i know exactly what to cook and when. I find it is a really good way for me to avoid take away because i like routine and structure i will stick to it easier than if i did shopping then had to try to decide each night what to cook.
Its been along time since i was feeling good about myself but i am finally finding a good headspace thanks to me getting back to healthy living.
Well i better be off now but before i go here is a link to my weight loss motivation & support group on facebook, please feel free to join new members are always welcome.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/507339485958420/
Love Always
Mandy

Still cancer free & looking forward to Christmas...

Im nearly 7 months cancer free, Its been a long hard journey but im making my way through it.
I finally got my 6 month tests done on thursday, I was so nervous, i didnt get much sleep wednesday night. When my specialist did the tests she said there is no sign of the cancer returning yet and shes confident it wont return, I still have to get the tests done every 3 months but hopefully next time i wont be so nervous.
My life is slowly returning to normal finally, Last year i was told if i didnt have the surgery i wouldnt make it to this christmas and now here i am nearly 12 months after the day i got that call, im cancer free, looking forward to christmas and planning our wedding.
Alot can change in 12 months, Ive lost family & friends but i have also gained some amazing new friends that make it all worth while.
When i was a little girl my grandpa told me that during tough times you find out who really cares for you and who is just there when they need something, I now know what he meant when he told me to make sure my friends are "All weather friends", they are the ones who will stand by my side through the hard times as well as the good times and im thankful for those who have stood by myside and helped me through the hard times.
Im really looking forward to christmas this year, Rob & i arent doing anything special, just having my mum over for Christmas lunch but this year is special because its my first christmas as a survivor.
For christmas this year I asked Rob for a gym membership, Seems like a strange present but i really miss going to the gym & i want to get fit & start enjoying life again, Rob brought me a membership to Anytime Fitness YAY! I start this week. Im so excited. The gym is amazing, its massive & the equipment is so cool. I have to go to the Wodonga one for a month because thats where i signed up but after the first month is up i can go to any anytime fitness gym anywhere world wide.
Its nice to be getting my life back on track.
So now i will be still doing weekly weigh ins but i will be posting a blog about it, it will help me stick to my weight loss goal.
Also if anyone in the albury wodonga area would like to go to the gym and workout with me please feel free to contact me.

Thank you all for your support.

Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

I got my Survivor Sash....

Im coming up 7 months Cancer free in a couple week & i have my 6 month tests next week, i had to move them due to the strike.
As usual im worried about the test results, every bit of pain i get my mind instantly panics and thinks maybe the cancer is back.
Last year when my cancer got upgraded to life threatening, the specialist from the royal women's hospital told me if i didnt have the surgery i wouldn't make it to christmas this year, i live with that thought every day and as strange as it sounds, now that its nearly christmas time i think its finally sinking in just how close i came to dying.

This year i came to close to dying, during my surgery my body started to shut down and then started fighting again, I will never forget when the specialist told me that only a couple days after my surgery, it sent a chill down my spine but it just goes to show that i am a fighter. 

The past few years has been the most difficult time of my life, Ive learnt so much though.
I know that i am a fighter, im stronger than i ever knew i could be.
This year i did my very first Relay For Life Survivor lap, It was a very emotional moment for me, first seeing the word SURVIVOR on my sash, then when i was standing at the start line with the rest of the Survivors and their Carers, Rob was my carer of course, When i looked around at the sea of purple from everyones relay for life shirts, i felt a sense of pride and strength.
It was a beautiful opening ceremony, then the survivors and their carers do the first lap, it is only 450meters but with every step i took in my surroundings and remembered back over my journey through cancer, 6 months ago after my surgery i was struggling to get out of bed and thought i would never smile again and yet here i was 6 months later walking my survivor lap arm in arm with Rob.
I had tears in my eyes, not because i was sad but because i was over joyed at being there and finally being a survivor. 

When we were about half way around i heard a woman yell out to me, to be honest i think i was off in my own little world, lol i didnt recognise the woman at first but her voice did sound familiar, it wasnt till after the lap when Rob and i were stalking Dougal the cancer council bear, i heard the same woman say my name again, When i looked up i realised it was our Friends Rae & her hubby Chris.
It made my day knowing that we had friends there, they are lovely people and i cant thank them enough for the support they have given us during my journey.
Rae and i met this year when i put a post on facebook asking if people had any wool they wanted to get rid off, she was kind enough to offer her house as a drop off point. 

Doing the survivor lap was a great experience and one that i am very proud to be able to have done, now each time i look at my scar im learning to not hate it and think of it as scar that reminds me i cant be a mum but to be proud of it for it reminds me i survived. 

Love Always
Mandy

xoxo

The strike is over...

So the strike is over, it ended Friday after the union members voted to accept the offer which will bridge the gap between the city & regional workers.
The Saturday penalties will increase from 125 per cent to 140 per cent. Shift workers of 7 hours or less will now get a 15 minute break instead of 10 mins, forklift drivers will now get a allowance.
The union members stayed standing strong and finally after being out on strike for 8 days the company finally heard what the workers wanted.
Being at Camp Justice when the members voted was a incredible experience, there was a lot of emotion going around. Seeing the joy on everyone's faces made the sleepless nights worth it.
During the strike not only did the union members stand up for themselves but also for the workers who arent even working there yet, If the company had of had their own way, it would mean that the new workers would lose $3 per hour.
It just goes to show that when you stand together you can achieve anything you set your mind to.
The union & its members should be proud of what they achieved, I must admit the first thing that came to my mind when they voted Yes, was pride. Im very proud that I was able to help, even if my hubby wasnt working there if there was something i could do to help i still wouldve helped.

Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

Wage Justice For Regional Workers!!!

As you may have seen on the news the NUW members at the Woolworths Barnawartha DC are currently out on strike. This is where my hubby works, so therefore i am lucky enough to be on the front line of the fight for wage justice for regional workers.

The workers arent asking for anything more than they deserve, but yet here we are only a few hours away from it clicking over to them being out on strike for 7 days. 

So for all those who are wondering what the NUW members are asking for here is the information from the flyer we have been handing out...

Woolworths made over $2.3 billion in net profit this financial year, seeing their profits up by 24%.

The Union members are fighting for wage justice for regional workers. 

Melbourne workers get $203 per week minimum more than the Barnawartha DC workers but they all do the exact same job.

Melbourne DC workers have been offered an increase of $1.04 per hour and yet all the Barnawartha workers have been offered is 74cents a hour & all that is going to do is make the gap between country wages & city wages bigger. 

They want a 20 minute break for shifts of 7 hours or less, not 10 minutes. 

They are asking for improved Saturday shift loadings, they currently get less than the minimum award. 

Yet instead of Woolworths being fair, they are demanding that the Barnwartha workers accept a new pay structure where new workers will get $3 less per hour.

The Barnawartha DC workers are now forced to take protected industrial action for the sake of their families and the younger generation coming into the workforce in the Albury/Wodonga area. 

Indefinite strike action began at 5am Friday the 25th of October at base camp now called "Camp Justice" at 28 Bilston Drive Barnawartha North. 

Before the strike started I only knew a handful of the union members, however since the strike began last week I have been here every day and during my time here I have gotten to know most of the members. Woolworths prides themselves on being a "family company" however how can they be a family orientated company when they are doing this to the regional workers and their families.

There is people out here that have little kids & all they are doing is trying to secure a better future for them and their families. 

Every member out here has a unique story just waiting to be told, i have met so many different people while i have been here but there is one thing they all have in common, They are fighting for the Regional Workers! They are taking a stand against a massive company and doing it while remaining upbeat, friendly & welcoming. 

Their fight will make a better future for so many Australians not just themselves, this will help regional Victoria & New South Wales, it will help keep the younger generation stay local so they dont feel they have to move to the city away from their friends & families just to get a fair wage and to be able to build a life for themselves here in the regional areas. 

I know from experiance that many young people move away to the city after they finish school, just simply because they know they will get a better wage. After school many of my friends moved away and lost touch, where as if someone hadve started this fight many years ago then they wouldnt have felt they had to move just to make a better life for themselves. 

Why should city people get treated any different to the country people just simply beause they live in the city, it doesnt make them any better than country people. 

What ever happened to everyone being equal, when did living in the city become such a top class thing to do?

I grew up in the country and i am a very proud country girl, i dont have anything against the city and i love spending time there visiting family and friends, But at the end of the day i have country blood running through my viens and nothing will ever change that. 

So here it is, This is what i am asking of you, my 5000 loyal readers....

Stand Up for The Barnawartha DC Union Members against the "#Woolybullies"

Stand Up for the Regional Workers, Help them get a fair wage for their work. 

Help keep the Regional Workers in the country. 

There is a few different ways you can helpout with this campain...

During the strike, boycott all Woolworths stores. 

Help spread the word, If you are on facebook or twitter use the #woolybullies & have your say, let the company know they cannt do this to people and get away with it. 

Keep an eye out for the NUW redshirt army, introduce yourself and have a chat to them, they are kind hearted people just wanting a fair go. 

Share my blog with your family and friends, i will be updating my blog hopefully daily to keep you up to date. 

If your out this way or feel like going for a drive, call into the base camp now rightly called "Camp Justice" which is located at 28 Bilston Drive Barnawartha Victoria. 

If you see the NUW Red Shirt Army out and about, give them a toot, cheer or a clap. 

If you hear their popular chant 

"What do we want?

Wage Justice

When do we want it?

NOW"

Then please feel free to join in, everyone is welcome. 

I am a PROUD Supporter of the NUW & Its members, I wear my red NUW shirt with pride and I will stand by the members and help them fight for the justice they deserve. 

No matter what, We will not be silenced, We will fight for Regional workers & their families. 

Love always 

Mandy

6 Months Cancer Free

Rob and I celebrated our 9 year anniversary last Friday & then it was my 6 month cancerversary on Saturday. We were going to Shepparton for me to photograph a wedding so we left early and stay friday night for our anniversary. We had a lovely weekend away, even though i of course missed my husky, it was nice to get away for a few days.
So its now less than a year before we get married, YAY! 

We are getting married next year on our 10 year anniversary, Im so excited.
time for me to kick my weightloss up a few gears, I want to be healthy and fit on my wedding day and of course i want to look awesome and not look like a blimp.
Some people still ask me how im coping with everything and its hard to tell people how im really coping with it all so instead i have found myself putting on the fake smile and telling everyone "I'm fine", which of course is not the full truth however i have found its what people are more comfortable with. The truth is each day is still a struggle for me to cope, every bit of pain or weird feeling i get, my mind instantly stresses and thinks "Oh no please dont be back, i dont want to die", so instead i try to keep myself busy, I hate that I still live with that fear everyday. I struggle a little bit still trying to do some normal day to day things and I still get a little bit pain from day to day but im learning my body's limits and im finally listening to it.
Do you ever have those dreams that feel so real that when you wake you expect it to be like it was in the dream? I am constantly haunted by not being able to have children, it seems to enter my dreams alot and turns them into nightmares. I still struggle to cope with the fact that i cant have children and to be honest some days and nights are harder than others, I wake up alot of times at night but im slowly making my way through it and i know that with each day that goes by im getting better and with every step i take my body is getting stronger, Im still not as fit as i was before my surgery but at least the numbers are heading back in the right direction, After my surgery i gained a bit of weight because my emotional eating was going off and i was on bed rest and could hardly do anything, i weighed in last week and im finally under what i weighed on the day of my surgery, I have lost 17.7kgs in the past 6 months and im so proud.
Between now and my wedding day i want to lose 50kgs+ and im super determined to do it.
Im sorry i havent written in a bit over a month, to be honest, i hit rock bottom for a while but im fighting back now and i hope to write more frequently.
Thank you to all those who emailed me to see if i was alright when i hadnt written, The amount of lovely emails i received helped me out in some of my darkest moments. Sometimes i forget that this blog has so many readers.
Anyway i better be off now.
See you again soon
Love always
Mandy

Thank you to my guardian angel for keeping me safe....

Sorry i havent written in a while.
I have had a lot going on.
Last night I was coming back to town after being out at the farm, It was just after 8pm, I was in the car by myself & was going only about 90kms when i seen 4 sheep on the road, I slowed down and the last time i seen the speedo i was doing 80kms, I had no choice but to try to go around them but as my car left the road i lost control and slid, all i could see was the gum tree coming towards my car. I managed to stop the car from hitting the tree and finally came to rest about 15cms from the tree...scared the hell out of me.
The photo at the top of this post is the tree that i nearly hit, if you look in the grass you can see the tracks from my car.
Thats one thing i never want to experience again.
Last night everytime i closed my eyes all i could see was the tree coming at the car, I had a horrible sleep.
I didnt get much sleep, today im very sore and i have bruises that are starting to come out but im glad to be alive.
My weight loss is going great, in 3 weeks i lost 3.3kgs and tomorrow (wednesday) is weigh in day again. Im hoping to lose more than 1kg again.
Im starting to really enjoy life again, Im starting to get out of the rut i felt i was in and i think it has alot to do with my weightloss and that im finally feeling proud of myself again.
Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

Some days are a struggle...

I hate the feeling like life is passing me by because ive been to fat or sick to enjoy it, now that my Cancer is gone I dont feel sick anymore, well not as much, I still get alot of pain and I still get tired very easy but now when im exercising Im learning what my bodies new boundries are and just how far i can push myself before my body has enough and the pain becomes to much.

After my surgery i gave in a little bit, the depression kicked back in and before i knew it i was back to comfort eating again and before my eyes the numbers on the scale started to creep back up and i was 149.9kgs, I was shattered when i seen that on the scale and it was the wake up call i needed for the second time around, I was terrified that if i didnt start changing my ways i would be back to being that fat unhappy girl who would hide from the world.

That was 2 weeks ago i seen that number come up and it was the wake up call i needed to kick my own arse back into gear again and get back to turning my life around. 

When i weighed in on wednesday i weighed 148.6kgs, i had lost 1.3kgs in a week & that felt so awesome but what felt even better was i finally had to buy some new clothes because my other ones are way to big, back in March i brought a new hoodie that was a 5xl and this time when i brought my new hoodie its now a 2xl, It was the best feeling when i put on the 2xl and it fitted, my new hoodies are so warm, they are fully lined on the inside which makes them warmer but also they dont stretch so seeing they fit really helped me get back in the right frame of mind to start making those numbers go down again. 

Mum wanted me to take out a chocolate mud cake the other day for afternoon tea for her & a friend, Im so proud to say that yes i did take the chocolate mud cake out to mums place for afternoon tea but while they had the cake I ate a orange and didnt have a peice of cake. 

YAY GO ME! 

But as much as there has been good days ive also crashed and burned a lot too, there has been days where i didnt want to get out of bed, ive been feeling useless and to be honest ive been struggling to deal with everything ive been through. Ive cried alot and some days its been a struggle to even find a smile. Ive had stages when even when im in a room full of people i still feel alone, I hate the woman i see when i look in the mirror and i still struggle with the fact the my body has let me down.

I dont want to be the woman i see in the mirror so now im going to change it, Im going to try to let people in more instead of shutting out the world, Im going to get fit & healthy and get back to enjoying life again. 

I used to be fit, I used to run alot, I miss running and i also miss being able to walk into a normal clothes store and just buy something off the rack and know it will fit.

No matter what im not giving up and i know i will get fit & healthy and i hope in time to be able to look in the mirror and have a reflection to be proud of. 

So watch this space because a new me is coming. 

Love Always

Mandy

xoxo

Just a quick update... 3 months Cancer free

Sorry i havent written for a few weeks, Ive had a lot on my mind but not sure where to start...
Well i had my first 3 month tests done, to be honest they hurt a bit, they just arent a little bit uncomfortable. Well the good thing is i only have to have them done every 3 months &so far i am CANCER free for a bit over 3 months.
Im slowly starting to enjoy life again im still taking it one day at a time and im trying my hardest to not get upset about my scar or the fact that i cant do everything i used to do before my surgery, Im slowly building my fitness back up, today i did my first 5km walk since the surgery, Im so proud, when i got home i only had a small amount of pain and im looking forward to going a little further tomorrow, Im hoping to be able to slowly build it up to more than 10kms.
So much has happened in the last few weeks since i wrote.
I still have nightmares and am struggling to sleep more than a few hours each night, They are horrible nightmares that feel so realistic, most times when i have the nightmares i wake up with tears flowing freely. I still dont like my scar and think its ugly, i cant look at myself but im slowly trying to train my mind to not think of it as a ugly reminder that my body let me down but instead to view it as a beautiful reminder than i am string and make it through anything.
Im hoping that with time my scar will fade and so will my hatred for it, its just another thing i have to take it one day at a time and hopefully one i will wake up and the scar wont be the first thing on my mind.
Cancer is never far from my mind either, with every ache or pain my body has i stress and get worried that its the cancer returning to another part of my body. Hopefully thats one thing that will change in time.
I recently went to the funeral of a close family friend who sadly lost her life due to cancer, She was a beautiful lady who used to know my grandfather and grandmother, She had lived a full and happy life surrounded by a wonderful family full of her children, grand children & great grand children, the funeral was a beautiful service and a lovely goodbye to her.
So i was wondering if i could ask my readers who are religious to please pray for comfort for her family as they really are lovely people.
May her soul rest in peace.
I have a beautiful braclet that Rob brought me for my 1st month cancer free, he got it engraved with SURVIVOR 19-04-2013 which is the date i was told they got all my cancer and i am now cancer free, I wear it daily to remind me that I am a survivor. Thats the photo of the braclet at the top as well as the beautiful red rose Rob brought me for my 3 month cancerversary.
I still struggle with not being able to have own our baby, Before my surgery i knew it would hit me but i dont think i ever realised just how hard it would be. Hopefully that will get easier as well.
I still have my life list that i will complete but i need to get my life back on track and my fitness back in order first and im slowly taking the steps to do that, the feeling i had tonight when i got home from my walk was a feeling i have missed, it was a feeling of pride.
We have my little sister living with us now as well, I now have someone to workout with and to come on walks with Obi and i, its been a adjustment having someone else living with us but we are figuring it all out and to be honest its been good to have someone to work out with.

I promise to try to write more regularly, but thank you to those who emailed me to check to see if i was alright and let me know your missing my blog.
Anyway i better be off now, its 3am here.
Love always
Mandy
xoxo

My first 3 month scan is coming up

Sorry i havent written much lately. Ive kind of hit a wall and been struggling alot with my emotions & also my pain levels have gone up again.
I got gastro last week and ended up in alot of pain with my wound.
Im getting down alot lately because i want my life back, Cancer took so much from me & I want to get back to the way i was before i got cancer, I want the happy healthy me back.
I was just starting to get back to exercising when i got gastro, now i feel like my body has gone back so far.
Im starting to get scared again because I have my first 3 month check on the 17th since my surgery, I have to have the tests & scans every 3 months for the first 2 years to make sure the Cancer doesnt pop up somewhere else, then every 6 months for the next 2 years then once a year after that. I wont officially be declared "Cancer Free" till i reach the 5 year mark but as far as im concerned im Cancer free now because it was contained in my uterus and they took that out.
Im still only starting out on my journey and have a long way to go, I still have nightmares that are horrible and im hoping one day not have them.
I still struggle alot and not being able to workout doesnt help, Im missing my workouts alot. I can walk 2kms but im buggered at the end of it & end up in pain, but before my surgery i was walking 10kms with my husky, so its taken alot for me to admit that yes im struggling from day to day.
I know i will get better and i know my body just needs time to heal but i do wish it didnt take so bloody long.
My Wedding is a little bit over a year away and on y wedding day i dont want to be a fat bride, I want to be a healthy fit birde oh and of course with a little bit of sexy ;-) 

Anyway i better be off now but i promise i will try to write more often.
Thank you for your support

Love Always

Mandy

Everyday is a struggle but its worth it... Im Alive & im thankful...

So after many emails asking me for a photo of my scar here it is.

Im finally healing & i am slowly getting my life back on track, I can now walk 2kms with only a little bit of pain but to be honest even though i have pain, it feels great to be back walking again and im hoping to be able to run again soon.
I still struggle with many things from day to day but im slowly finding my way through it.
I still cry alot, When i do i try to remind myself that my ugly scar is actually beautiful because it means IM ALIVE & that in itself is something to be thankful for. 

Im looking forward to getting my life back & not taking any moment for granted.
After my surgery I fell off the healthy wagon for a short while due to being a emotional eater and just giving in to it however now im taking my life back and im not giving in.
Im very proudly back on the healthy wagon & I will lose weight and gain health, I will give myself a reason to be proud of my body.
I have 16 months until I marry my wonderful fiancé and on my wedding day i want to be beautiful & feel beautiful, We are going to Western Australia for our honeymoon and i want to be able to have a body that can go to the beach and wear a bikini top and shorts without people calling green peace to let them know a whale beached themselfs, So its time to get my arse into gear and get moving, Im going to take it slow to start with and build my workouts back up, im hoping to be back at my full workout in 8 weeks.
Anyway i better be off now 

Wish me luck & stay tuned because I will be posting more frequently after 189 my readers emailed me asking for more posts. (Thank You)

Love Always
Mandy 

xoxo 

Just a short post to keep you all up to date with my progress

Just a short post to keep you all up to date with my progress, Sorry i havent written much lately, I will write more soon. 

My wound is finally starting to heal & with each day that goes by i can feel my body getting better & im now needing the pain killers less and less.

Im going to go see a councillor soon which will help me get through the grieving, I know it sounds strange that my body is grieving, Im not grieving for the Cancer, Im glad thats gone, Im grieving for the loss of the chance to carry my own child & im also having trouble coping with it all, I have trouble even looking in the mirror because my scar i have & i need to get past that or i will have messy hair for the rest of my life.
There's so many things i want to do when im healthy again, I want to get healthy first of course.
Then look out world im coming...

One day i know i will be able to look at my scar & say "Thank you for reminding me im alive"
I just really hope that day isnt to far away...

Well i better be off now

Love Always
Mandy

xoxo

How many tears have to fall...

Some days i struggle to even get out of bed or i just seem to cry all day, what im going through really is the hardest thing ive ever had to go through.
I find myself still trying to put on the strong face and hide both the physical and emotional pain im going through, I have always struggled with letting people in and letting them see me even when im weak, which at the moment is so hard. I have been knitting to keep myself busy but sitting still, I swear there is so many tears in the things im knitting. Im not sure if its helping me but i do find it helps pass the hours. So far i have made a few scarf's and im working on a baby blanket for someone im close to, hopefully i will have the baby blanket finished by the time she has the baby, Ive struggled with it a bit to be honest but i cant wait to meet her beautiful baby and give lots of cuddles and of course spoil it.
My surgery wound has split back open yet again and Rob ended up taking me to the hospital emergency ward at 2am tuesday morning, the nurse patched it back up and re dressed it, Then i seen my Dr today she wanted to re stitch it but cant because it is still weeping.
Hmm never ends, I just want to be healed so i can start getting on with life, I want my life back.
Ive rang a couple of counselling places to arrange for me to talk to someone but they want my wound to be healed first before i can see one of them, to be honest i dont know how im going to go at being able to open up to them but i know i have to at least try.
Hopefully they can help me with my nightmares as well, one of the nightmares i have been having since my surgery is in my dream im pregnant but when i go to the hospital they take it away from me, Its horrible, its one of those dreams that feels so real that when i wake up i check my belly, then i see my massive wound and know that it was just a nightmare but at the same time what i have been through is a nightmare.
Even though i know its not my fault that i got Cancer, to be honest i still like my body let me down, I feel like i let myself down and I dont feel like very much of a woman anymore.
I know one day i will wake up my wound will be healed and the pain will fade, one day it wont hurt so much that i cant have a baby, one day i will forgive my body for letting me down, I just wonder how many more of my tears have to fall till it stops hurting....

Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

My first Cancerversary

On Sunday it was my first Cancerversary, One month Cancer free. 

Rob gave me a beautiful plaque thats has a saying engraved on it saying "Always speinkle flower seeds on your path of life & your life will be a walk through a beautiful garden" He also gave me 2 feather roses & a nice bracelet that we are taking in to get it engraved this week.

Its a nice feeling to have & even though i still have alot of pain from my surgery & my wound still isnt healed im trying to find positive things everyday to keep me going, Some days are harder than others though, It was Mother's Day a couple weeks ago & of course i struggled with that, last year was meant to be my last Mother's Day without me being a mum so this year hurt like hell, I cried most of the day. I wrote a status on facebook saying "f@ck you Mother's Day", Well that started a massive bitch fight, i had people commenting on the status having  go at me & then i had nasty inbox messages & text messages, It was horrible it made my day even worse, I found out who understood what im going through and who doesnt. 

Im getting better everyday, i still have bad pain but i am cutting my pain pills down slowly.

Once im healed im going to go see a councillor and hopefully they can help me through the mental pain of what im going through.

Anyway i better be off now

Love always 

Mandy

xoxo

A little bit about my surgery & what i have been through...

To all those who keep telling me i should be just happy i got rid of my cancer & dont understand why im so sad. here it is:
When i was first diagnosed with Uterine Cancer, Rob & I were planning a family of our own, So we were shattered when i got diagnosed, then we were giving a very small amount of hope when the specialists suggested i try the experimental meds, So i did because i wouldve given anything to be a mum, Then after nearly 2 years of hell & biopsy's every 3 months, We were told November last year that the meds were working and had stunted the grow of the cancer & we would be able to have a baby, Rob & i were so happy & excited till friday 7th of december when i got a call from one of the Melbourne specialist who shattered me, he told me that "the Meds had not worked & if i want to live i have to get everything ripped out", thats his words exactly, i will never forget them as long as i live. So yet again we had our dream ripped away from us & the fear of me dying crept back in, the next few months were hell & every bit of pain i had, my mind would straight away think "what if thats the cancer growing more and attacking more of my body", then i got sent to melbourne to the Mercy womans Hospital & met another specialist who was going to operate & remove the cancer which meant a full hysterectomy, She was a lovely woman, very caring, honest but most of all gentle which i have come to realise is extremely rare when it comes to specialists.
When i left that appointment i was shattered even more, I think deep down i expected to go in there & be told there was a mistake & we could have a baby but instead i left there with a surgery date, i had 5 weeks till my surgery, That next 5 weeks was the longest 5 weeks of my life i think.
Then came the day before my surgery & time make the 4 hour drive to Melbourne with Rob by my side. We were staying the night at Rob big brothers & sister inlaws house. I didnt get much sleep that night, I had about a hour and a half all up because i had so much running through my mind, excitement to be getting rid of the cancer, sadness over Rob & i losing our dream of being parents, but most of all fear, The fear of dying. I stayed awake and watched Rob sleep, he looked so peaceful & clam.
That morning while driving to the hospital for surgery was about 40 minutes but to me it felt like hours, so did sitting in the prep area waiting to get taken in to surgery. The nurses were very kind & let Rob stay with me right up till they took me in to surgery.
Saying goodbye to Rob that day hurt so bad, I was so scared that i might not wake up from my surgery, When Rob was cuddling me i didnt want to let him go.
I remember laying in the operating table before they put me to sleep & the last thing that went through my mind was thoughts of Rob & happy memories with him.
When i woke up the first thing i wanted to see was Rob, I remember seeing him when i woke up, I was so happy, it was the best feeling.
I spent the first night in the HDU unit & rob stayed there with me till i was getting tired then he had to go.
I lightly dozed on and off that night, i woke up screaming in pain every now and then. I had alot of nightmares. I had been awake for about a hour when Rob arrived, so proudly carrying flowers for me. The nurse wanted me to get out of bed and have a shower, I was so terrified, i knew it was going to hurt but i had no idea how much it was going to hurt until the nurse & Rob got me out of bed, It hurt like hell & i screamed, I couldnt walk very fast & i could hardly lift my feet, Rob helped me to the shower & helped me shower.
The day after my surgery they moved me to the Oncology ward, I had only been in the room for about 5 minutes when my roommate came over all excited and sat on the end of my bed and said "So who are you & wheres your cancer?"
she was a beautiful white haired lady named Nancy who was 78 years old, She was telling me that she had beat the same type of cancer the year before & was now back for tests to see if she had bowel cancer. Later that evening Rob, his brother & sister inlaw came in to see me & while they were there the Specialists came in to see Nancy & told her she has bowel cancer.
It broke my heart hearing her get her diagnoses, I had only spent the afternoon with her but she made a impact on my life, She spoke about her kids & grandkids so proudly.
We spoke about my Cancer in the afternoon & i promised her no matter what i would fight & now I hope she does the same.
I told her about my blog & wrote down the web address for her to have a look at it & she told me she was going to get her grand daughter to set up her computer so she could read it, so to Nancy i say:
I wish you all the best with your treatment & no matter what remember to fight & not give up.
You made a impact on my life & are someone i will never forget you.

I want to Thank the Nurses, Doctors & Specialists at the Mercy Womans Hospital in Melbourne for saving my life & i want to thank Rob for being there for me every time i need him & for helping me through it all.
Love always Mandy

I got my results...

I had my Cancer surgery on Tuesday & then I got my results Friday...
All the Cancer was contained in my uterus and they got it all out, so now I am finally Cancer free!!!
I'm still in hospital & have a massive cut from the surgery, they cut me from just under my ribs past my belly button & down to my pelvic area. I'm getting better each day, I'm off all my drips and I'm on the Oncology ward at the Mercy Woman's hospital in Melbourne.

I think it will take a while for it to finally sink in to me that my cancer is all gone, are 2 years of bad news, constant tests & treatment it's a massive relief to be told its gone.
I have a lot of emotions going through me at the moment and I still have a long road of recovery ahead of me but I will get through it, one day at a time, one step at a time and of course one tear drop at a time.
I will never forget hearing the surgeon say "yes the cancer was there, it was contained in the uterus and we got it all", it was the longest sentence I think I've ever heard, to my mind it was like slow motion, I remember looking at Rob & I started to cry, for the first time in a long time they were happy tears & I knew we can finally start enjoying life again.
I'm still in hospital till Wednesday, the nurses are lovely, the food of course being hospital food is horrible.
I'm very lonely in here, I haven't had many visitors, just Rob, my brother inlaw & sister inlaw & my aunty, tomorrow I have a friend coming in to see me which will be good.

Night time is the hardest, I have a beautiful view and I can see for miles, at night time it looks so beautiful with all the lights, but with everything I'm going through its hard to stay strong and when I'm alone at night time I spend a lot of time crying, I'm struggling to cope but I will get through it.

Love always
Mandy
Xoxo

Of all the fairytales, ours is my favourite...

Rob & I have been together for 9 years this October and I wouldn't trade not even one second I've spent with him.
He is the greatest man I have ever met, I Love him with all my heart.
We have had our fair shares of ups and downs but through it all we have remained strong & in love.
Rob is a wonderful gentle caring man, his always there for me, he holds my hand through all my Dr & specialist appointments. He is the one person I can always count on.
There has been times where I struggled to get out of bed even just for a shower & robs helped me.
No matter what sort of day I'm having, a cuddle from rob always makes it better, in his arms I know I am safe & loved.
So as I lay here only a few hours before I go to hospital for my surgery, I can't help but think of all the things I have been through in my life & I can honestly say the best is still to come, 18th October next year on our 10 year anniversary Rob & I are getting married.
That will be the happiest day of my life.
Thank you hunny for always being there for me. For making me warm when I am cold, safe when I am scared, beautiful even when I'm having a bad hair day but most of all thank you for being you & loving me for who I am.
I used to read fairytales when I was a kid and I can honestly say...
Of all the fairytales, Ours is my favourite and there's still more to come.

Love always
Mandy xoxo

One week to go till my Cancer Surgery...

Well time is moving so fast, i only have one week to go till my Cancer surgery and to be honest I'm terrified. I thought it would get easier as it got closer, but i was wrong, it all hurts so much. Everyone is expecting me to be strong & positive, but how can i be strong when im shattered?
It seems the standard things people say to me these days is either "You'll be right"or "Stay Strong", Ive had enough, Im heart broken, shattered, scared & most times when im alone i cry for hours.
I can only be strong for so long and ive had enough of people expecting me to be fine all the time, they dont know how hard it is for me to not crumble. Just because they dont see my tears, doesnt mean i dont cry, just because they dont see my pain doesnt mean its not there everyday.
Some days i dont even want to get out of bed but i make myself get up and face the day.
Im so sick of people telling me "everything happens for a reason" it makes me want to reply with "Really? whats the reason i have Cancer" but instead to keep them happy i just say "Yeah i know".
I know I put on a brave face but to be honest I'm struggling to cope with it all.
So please even though I know its the standard thing to say to someone going through a hard time please done tell me to be strong or stay positive because sometimes all anyone going through what I am going through wants to do is cry.
Love always
Mandy
xoxo

2 weeks to go...

Only 2 weeks to go till my surgery then I will be CANCER FREE...
Im looking forward to being able to enjoy life again, ive decided to make a "Life List" of things i want to do after my surgery.
Here is the things i have on my list:

Do the sydney Harbour Bridge climb
See Australia's BIG things

See Uluru

Snorkelling on the Great Barrier Reef

Meet a Tiger & Lion at the Melbourne Zoo

Go on a aeroplane

Drive the Great Ocean Road

Go to Craigs Hut

Drive the Kidman Way

Tour Tasmania

See where McLeods Daughters was filmed

Rob is taking me on a Romantic weekend away in september to celebrate a year since we got engaged. Im so excited and looking forward to it, We arent going to tell anyone where we are going so that way it can be just Rob & I. 

Its been along time since i was able to enjoy life pain free & im looking forward to it.

If theres anything you would like to suggest i put on my Life List please feel free to comment or email me at rockbartonbaker@gmail.com

Love Always
Mandy

Today i got a rose

Today i was relaxing and watching a movie with my husky, I was feeling a little bit down & i was nearly asleep, when there was a knock on the door, I opened the door to see a man holding a box with a bottle of Chardonnay & a beautiful long stemmed red rose in a glass vase, the man handed me the stick with the card on it, the card read "To Amanda, I will always Love you"
I started to cry (happy tears of course) My beautiful Hubby to be had arranged a surprise for me.
The look on the delivery mans face was priceless when i started to dry, until i explained to him that they were happy tears.
The rose is beautiful and smells so nice.
the Chardonnay im going to save for after my surgery when im finally Cancer free & when im off my Cancer meds as well.
My surgery is in 3 weeks from tomorrow, Im still a little scared but im starting to get excited as well because i will be Cancer free by the end of the year & im excited to be able to start enjoying life again.
Love always
Mandy
xoxo

The search for Knitting supplies begins...

Hello to all my lovely readers.
Yesterday i got a call from a woman at the Oncology Unit at the Mercy Womans Hospital Melbourne (where my surgery is going to be in a few weeks) she was seeing how im going & making sure im not sick, Anyway she has advised me to take up something creative after my surgery & especially for the 8-12 weeks im on stritch doctor ordered bed rest at home after my surgery, so i have taken up knitting, at the moment im not very good at it but im still only learning.
So here is my massive favour, I was wondering if any of my awesome readers out there have any wool, knitting needles or knitting things they would like to donate, i would be more than happy to take them off your hands & of course it would be extremely appreciated.

If you would like to help out please feel free to email me at

rockbartonbaker@gmail.com

Thank you all so much

Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

A 12 month comparison weight loss photo

Here is a 12 month comparison photo
What a differance a year can make. 

Im looking forward to seeing what i look like next febuary. 

I still have a long way to go but this is proof that anyone can do it.
Ive lost my weight healthily through hard work, sweat, lots of exercise & every now and then even tears.

No diets, just healthy eating, exercise, water & hard work. 

I just want to be me, i dont want to be the girl who has Cancer.

It was birthday on Friday, I turned 28 and im very proud to say it was my last birthday with Cancer.
My Birthday was pretty crap to be honest, I only got to spend a bit over a hour with Rob because his been working heaps to build up the hours to take time off for when i have my surgery, Then i spent some time with my mum (who i had to remind it was my birthday) I got a awesome card from my sister inlaw, some nice facebook messages & text messages but one of my oldest friends forgot.
My surgery is only 28 days away, It still scares me though. Im terrified about being knocked out for so long & also the pain afterwards & how long i will be in hospital for. I dont like hospitals & i dont think i will get many visitors when im in hospital.
Ive decided that when im healed after my surgery Im going to have a "I kicked Cancers arse" party.
Im looking forward to having my engery levels back so i can get stuck into my weight loss & start living a healthy lifestyle again.
Everytime i go out in public i have to put on my fake smile to make everyone else feel better when all i want to do is cry.
You can tell who really cares when they ask "How are you feeling" and you can tell the fake people who only ask because its the "polite thing to do".
Then of course theres those who avoid me all together or look at me like ive got germs...
"News flash fucktards, Its CANCER, you cant catch it"
Ive been spring cleaning our house lately & trying to take my mind off everything, It hasnt really worked though, i just get tired & end up in pain, Or i find something that Rob & i brought for a baby before we were told my Cancer treatment hasnt worked and we cant have a baby, Then i end up crying.
I feel so useless lately because i cant do very much.
I just want to be me, i dont want to be the girl who has Cancer.

Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

I started my "just incase letters" today...

You know when your having one of those sort of days when you just want to curl up, cry & sleep for days... Well thats how im feeling today.
Today i started writing my "just incase letters" as ive now started to call them.
I always forget how much it hurts & just how hard they are to write until i start writing them, I write them just incase something goes wrong with my surgery and i dont make it,  then at least the people im closest to know how much they mean to me.
I always save writing a letter to Rob for last because of course its the hardest to write.
I finally went to see my solicitor yesterday and made a will, It didnt take long.
Theres so much going through my mind coming up to my surgery and im going through so many different emotions, Im terrified about the surgery and of course all the pain afterwards but at the same time im excited at the fact that i will soon be Cancer free but lately im feeling very down and my nightmares have started again so im only getting a couple of hours sleep a night.
I got my letter from the hospital today confirming the date of my surgery and time, Tuesday 16th of April at 6:30am i will be admitted to the Mercy Woman's Hospital for my surgery.
When i rang the hospital to let them know i received the letter, the woman i spoke to was nice, She informed me that if someone is sick they are not to come near me and if someone has been near someone whos sick they arent allowed near me for 48hours and that they would prefer me to stay away from people as much as possible. I already had been told this so i knew but it was nice of her to remind me.
So i have decided that if they dont want me near people then ok i will stay home as much as possible and i will put the little bit of energy i have into exercise and lose as much weight as possible before my surgery because it will help me heal faster.
One of Robs friends gave me a Ab circle pro today, i had a go at it when i was watching a movie with my beautiful husky, It is fairly easy to use and heaps of fun, Tomorrow i am going to pick up a old exercise bike from a lady who is so kindly giving it to me.
I tried to rearrange my gym today to fit the new equipment in but i wasnt strong enough and ended up in pain.
Anyway im off now
Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

I got a date for my surgery

On friday i had my appointment at the Mercy Womans Hospital in Melbourne, The specialist was a very nice lady and the hospital is nice and clean.
I finally got a date for my surgery, Tuesday 16th of April, so i only have 5 weeks to go till my surgery.
I have so much going through my mind at the moment, Im terrified of the surgery and the pain that will follow but at the same time im excited to finally be getting the surgery and getting rid of the Cancer.
I know this sounds strange because i know i was told my Cancer hasnt responded to treatment and that i wont be able to have a baby but in a way i think the date of the surgery has hit me so hard because deep in my mind i think i was waiting for them to say it was a mistake and i can have a baby, I dont think it all sunk in just how bad my Cancer is till i seen the Oncology specialist and she started explaining my surgery to me, My Cancer is too big for me to have key hole surgery & so are the cysts on my ovaries so she explained i will be cut from hip to hip so i will be in hospital for a while.
While i was at my appointment i asked my Oncology specialist can they organise a councillor for me to talk to and she said she will get someone from the hospital to contact me because i shouldve been seeing a councillor since i got diagnosed and they will make sure i can talk to someone after my surgery as well.
Today its all hitting me and im feeling very down, Ive cried alot today.
Anyway i better be off now.
Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

My Surgery is getting closer...

My appointment in Melbourne to find out when my surgery is, is getting closer and to be honest im a little scared, sounds silly i know considering i have gone through hell with my Cancer for a little over a year now but i still get nervous when its time to see the specialists, my whole life is in their hands.
Cancer has taken so much from Rob & i but no matter what its not taking me.
So with my surgery getting closer its that dreaded time to start on my letters to those im close to incase something happens and i dont come out of my surgery.
The letters are so hard to write but in a strange way it puts my mind at ease to know that if i dont come out of my surgery my close friends and family will have something to remember me by.
My surgery is going to be in Melbourne, which is good because they have better hospitals and dr's but at the same time its not good, I will be in a melbourne hospital having the surgery that will save my life and because its so far away i most likely wont have visitors.
I decided that when i get home from my surgery im going to go talk to a councillor and see if they can help me through it.
Going through Cancer is hard and keeping everything inside makes it harder to deal with but at the same time ive found most people cant handle it when im not strong, people expect me to still be the same person ive always been so i put on the fake smile to make others feel happy or feel ok about being around me, but the truth is there are days when i struggle to even get out of bed let alone go through the day without crying.
Its scary knowing i have Cancer inside me and not knowing if its grown or not terrifies me, I want it out so i can get back to living & enjoying life, So i can have pain free days & finally have my energy back.
When i beat my Cancer theres so many things i want to do with my life but the first thing is to start living without fear again.
Every time i end up in pain the first thing that goes through my head is "is that the Cancer growing" its so hard to go through it everyday.
What i would give just to have a normal life again & to go back to just being me instead of the girl who has Cancer & cant have baby's.
Its amazing the things people take for granted.
So to all those parents out there who have had a bad day because your child played up, please take a moment to think of what i go through, When i see you in the supermarket and your tired & drained because your child kept you up all night i would trade you in a second, I would give anything to be a mum and because of my Cancer i cant, So please the next time you put your child to bed read them an extra story and give them a hug from me.
Love Always
Mandy

Our Engagement Party

Sorry i havent written in a couple of weeks.
I have been super busy & have been going through alot.
I thouhgt i would put up a few pics from our engagement party for you all to see.
We had our Engagement party on Saturday night, We had a a amazing night filled with lots of laughter, I teared up a little bit when i did my speech but they were happy tears.
My dress fitted and was beautiful, i was really worried it wouldnt fit but it was perfect.
Rob of course looked handsome.
The day before our engagement party, rob surprised me by getting me a bunch of flowers delivered.
He also got me a new necklace & earrings as a gift, I love them.

Im a very lucky woman to have such a wonderful man who loves me for me.
I cant wait to our wedding day & the day i finally become his wife.

Anyway i better be off now
Love Always
Mandy

Words spoken in anger leave scars...

On thursday Rob showed me a message he received on Facebook from someone i was really close to and i trusted, It was a message saying they had spoken with a ex friend of mine, They were accusing me of saying mean and nasty things about them , they accused me of being a liar and told Rob they dont want anything to do with me anymore. When Rob showed me the message, i was furious & incredibly hurt, I couldnt believe that this person was saying these things, i thought she knew me better than that, I thought she was one of my best friends.

I left the appointment i was at & then took Rob to his work, I told him i was ok (which yep that was a lie, I wasnt ok) I got into mums car and went to go see mum at the hospital, I cried the whole way to there, then sat in the car for 30 minutes hoping that my tears would dry and mum wouldnt be able to tell i had been crying, she was under enough stress and i didnt want to worry her more. 

When i finally walked in to mums hospital room she of course could tell something was up with me and asked me what it was, i told her about the message because she knew i had a couple of Dr's appointments that day i didnt want her to stress and think it was something to do with my cancer.
I stayed at the hospital with mum for 8 hours till she was finally tired, then i started to drive home, The moment i walked out of the hospital and got in the car i started to cry again, Of all my friends this was the last one i wouldve ever thought would believe lies about me and the last one i thought would ever hurt me.

I was driving home and it wasnt until i was around the corner from her house that i realised i had driven to her house.
I went there to find out what i was being accused of saying, We talked and the things she was told i had said about her were horrible & all lies, i didnt say them. 

You know how you have that 1 friend that you can trust, you can tell them anything, you can be yourself with them and know they wont judge you. Thats what this friend was to me, I thought she knew me better than that.
I find it hard to trust people, i dont let many people in and rarely take down my wall and defences but for this friend i did and i got hurt.

Normally if someone hurts me, then thats it i will walk away from them, but this was a girl who was one of my best friends and her friendship meant alot to me, thats why i went to her house to find out what i was accused of saying.

We talked for hours & we are still friends now but i dont think we will be close again like we once were, because of how hurt i was by it all. 

Even though our friendship was hurt at least i still have my friend. 

But i think i will be putting my wall back up, Ive been hurt by to many friends lately.

When i was a little girl my Grandpa told me to always remember that "Words spoken in anger leave scars", He was a very wise man and was right because this has left a scar.

Love Always
Mandy

xoxo

I did a 40minute drive in 17minutes to save my mums life...

Tuesday night my mum turned up to my house about 10:40pm, in alot of pain, very pale and barely concious.
I drove her to Wodonga hospital, which is about a 40 minute drive from my house, I got her there in 17minutes.
The Dr told me shes very lucky to be alive because with what her body went through when her appendix and bowel burst 95% of people wouldve passed out and died, But she drove 14.5kms to my house and then i got her to hospital super fast.
Im disgusted at how long it took Wodonga hospital to give her pain relief, She seen a nurse 20minutes after we arrived at the hospital and then they told her to wait in the waiting area and it wasnt until another 20mintues when i cracked the shits with the reception that they finally took her in to the emergency ward so she could see a dr, We had to wait another 20minutes before a Dr finally came and seen her.
They didnt give her anything to relieve the pain until 4am and then they told me she would be admitted to the hospital and i had to go home.
Walking out and leaving mum there was hard.
I didnt get much sleep that night, i just kind of tossed and turned, I think i dozed off for a hour if that.
I rang the hospital at 10am the next morning to find out what room she was in before i drove up there, You can imagine how pissed off i was when i found out she was still in the same bed in the emergency ward & they still didnt know what was wrong with her and they were waiting on the CT tech to turn up so she could have a scan to see if that could find something.
I went out to mums place and checked on her animals and got some clothes for her.
When i got to the hospital it was about 1pm, She was still in the same bed, hadnt had much sleep, was still in alot of pain and had been asking the nurse for the past hour to unplug her so she could go to the toilet, This pissed me right off, I had a chat to the nurse and finally got her to do her job and unplug mum from all the machines so she could go to the toilet.
They did alot of tests and scans and finally found out her appendix had wrapped around her bowel, Her appendix burst and also ruptured her bowel as well, she finally got transferred to Albury base where they did emergency surgery at 5pm on Wednesday.
They told me the surgery would take 2 hours max, So imagine how stressed i was when it had been 3 hours and she wasnt out yet, Finally after 3 hours and 45 minutes she was brought out.
She was funny when she came out of surgery because they had given her a "magic button" as mum called it, It was a morphine drip and when she felt pain she had to press the button and the pain went away.
The nurses at Albury were better and a lot nicer, well expect for one, She was a mean horrible bitch.
Because mum had surgery on her appendix and bowel the Specialist said she could have 2 sachets of laxatives if her bowel wasnt working and only if it was a emergency, A male nurse gave her some after lunch  and then when i was there later in the arvo the mean bitchy nurse came in and spoke to mum very nastily and made her have another 2 sachets of laxatives, I was not at all impressed by the way the nurse spoke to mum but i didnt want to upset mum anymore than the nurse already had so i didnt say anything in front of mum, I waited till she was brushing her teeth and the nurse had gone back to the nurses station, I confronted her and had a "friendly" chat with her.
Mum had given me her phone to look after for a few days while she was in hospital, After seeing the way that nasty nurse was i gave mum back her phone incase she needed me and i told her to call me or message me anytime she needed me and i would come back up to the hospital.
Because of the reaction her bowel had to the overdose of laxatives she had to stay in hospital longer, I finally got to pick her up and bring her home on Saturday.
Her body is healing and will take about 8 weeks till she is good again.

It gave me a massive fright seeing mum like that on tuesday night, It was so hard trying to keep her concious on the way to wodonga hospital.

I dont say it very often but I Love my mum and i would do anything to keep her safe and healthy.

I didnt get much sleep from tuesday night till saturday, All up i had 9 hours sleep which is no way near enough, I had a good sleep last night and then had a nap today and im very tired and drained still.
I ran my body into the ground a bit and have been paying for it with alot of pain but i will be ok.

Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

Save a life, Dont text & drive...

On the 4th of December 2012 my friend Brooke Richardson was tragicly taken.
She was only 20 years old and had a bright future in front of her until she made the mistake of texting while driving.
She was the kind of girl who could light up any room, she had the most amazing sense of humour and could make you laugh about almost anything, she even made me laugh about my Cancer when i first got diagnosed.
She always put others before herself, had a heart of gold & a smile that could brighten your day.
When i first met Brooke she took 4 hours to dye and cut my hair because we spent the whole day laughing and joking.
I remember when i first told Brooke about my Cancer, she was the first person that didnt give me that "aww poor you look" all she did was give em a hug and tell me im strong and will beat it.
The next time i seen her she told me she had googled my Cancer and was excited to tell me the ribbon for it is orange and thats her favourite colour.
When i first told her about my new fitness kick when i started my weight loss journey, she was very proud i could see that, she would occasionally just turn up where i was working out just so i had someone to workout with.
She was a beautiful girl and a wonderful friend and i will miss her dearly.

Her parents have started a campaign to raise awareness & stop people texting and driving.

Here is a link to the youtube video Brookes mum Vicki made.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KA9hMHSeivo

Here is a link to the facebook page they set up for the campaign
http://www.facebook.com/dont.tx.n.drive

To get the links to work copy & paste them to your browser bar.

So please lets get behind them and support them in there campaign to stop texting & driving
Lets stop another family from losing their loved one.
Lets stop another friend from losing their friend.

I promise to never touch my mobile again while driving, so if you send me a message and it takes me a while to reply please be patient as i might be driving.
All it takes is 1 second and you can lose your life
Please dont let Brookes death be in vain lets get the message out there.

Love Always
Mandy
xoxo
P.S. Rest in Peace Brooke.

I lost weight & had a snake in the house....

Yesterday was weigh in day for me and im happy to say the numbers are going back down again after my allergic reaction. My new weight is 143.4kgs so i lost 1.9kgs this week.

On the weekend we had a brown snake in our house, I went to walk in the back door, Obi growled at me and shoved me out of the way thats when i looked down and saw the snake.
It had Rob, Obi & i trapped in the dinning room. I grabbed a framed photo and put it in the door way to stop it coming in to the dinning room then i climbed on the dinning table to make sure i didnt get bitten, I called 000 and the police finally came, they rang me when they were on their way to let me know they were giving my mum permission to come in and shoot the snake, Here in Australia it is illegal to harm, trap or kill a snake unless its endangering human life.
When they got here we couldnt find the snake anymore and they called a snake catcher who took over 2 hours to get to us even though he only lives 40mins away, He was totally useless and when he got here the first thing he asked me was "had i harmed the snake" i was like "are you serious? if i hadve harmed the snake it would be dead and you wouldnt have had to come out".
He didnt catch the snake but still expected to be paid $150... Considering he didnt catch the snake and it was inside the next day there is no way im paying him 1cent.
At least i know where it was coming inside, it was coming under the back door, so we have "fixed" that now, Rob siliconed the bottom of the door so the snake cant get back in.
On the plus side though we met our neighbours who are nice, We went over to let them know we have a snake problem cause we were worried about their kids playing in their back yard incase the snake goes in there.

So here is a Add for you all
FREE: one very "friendly brown snake,
you catch at your own risk & do whatever you want with it
as long as you take it away from my house

Love Always
Mandy
xoxo

My Godfather, My Guardian Angel...

This is a photo of my uncle Rossi who is also one of my godfathers.

Sadly on the 4th of April 1988 he was tragicly killed in a car accident on his way to see me, He was only 24 years old. This year on the 22nd of July would be his 50th birthday and sadly he wont be here to celebrate.
I dont remember much about him but i remember the important things.
Like his smell, i have no idea what the name of it was but i could pick that scent out anywhere because when i smell it, it brings back a memory i have of him picking me up laughing and throwing me in the air when i was only little.
I remember his smile and laugh, I remember that even though he was really tall i always felt safe in his arms & he gave the best cuddles.
I still remember when my mum told me that he wouldnt be coming to see me anymore and that he had gone to heaven, I was only 3 years old and for a long time i didnt understand where he was.
He had a beautiful fiancée named Allison at the time and i still remember the way he used to look at her, You could tell he loved her with all his heart and that she was his world, Im lucky to see that look again only now its when Rob looks at me. 
It took me many years to understand that Rossi had died, when i was little i remember so many times i would ask my mum why we got to see Aunty Al but Uncle Rossi was not with her when she would come to visit and mum would have to explain it to me again.
He had a heart of gold, he was kind, gentle & caring, he was the kind of Godfather that every little girl should have.
All my life i have blamed myself for Rossi's death even though i was only 3 years old when he died and i wasnt driving the car that hit them, he was coming to see me.
For many years i lost touch with Allison but a few years ago i was lucky enough to have her come back into my life again.
She has a beautiful family and a great husband, they have made both Rob and i feel very welcome in there lives. Its great to see that shes found happiness and love in her life after such a tragic moment and i know Rossi would be happy to see her smiling again.
A couple of years ago she gave me the Engagement ring the Rossi proposed to her with, it is now my most treasured possession and i wear it on a necklace around my neck so its always close to my heart.
Rossi has been gone now for 25 years, he has missed alot of my life and theres been alot of times when ive needed him, I know if he could be there he would and the times i need him his never really far away i just cant see him anymore.
I visit his grave alot, its my "quiet place" and even though its hard to go there, in a way it brings me comfort so i try to take over some flowers at least once a fortnight and i sit and talk to the headstone for a bit, I feel weird talking to the headstone but its the only way i can talk to him.

I hope he is proud of the woman i have grown up to be.

If i could have one wish on my wedding day it would be an easy one to make, I would wish for him to be there to see me marry the love of my life.

Even though i was only 3 years old when he died, he left a imprint on my life that will last a lifetime

Rest In Peace Uncle Rossi
I Love & miss you very much
My Godfather for a short time
Now my Guardian Angel for a lifetime.


Love always
Mandy
xoxo

30 days to change...I WILL DO THIS

So today i brought my Engagement party outfit. Its a bit over a size to small and i have 30 days till my Engagement party so the way i see it, thats at least 30 workouts, 30 walks, lots swimming and of course lots of water & healthy eating.
Ive done great with my weight loss so far but i figure with me putting it on here, if i fail then its not just me im letting down its all my readers too and that gives me that little bit of extra motivation i need and also might help motivate others. 

So here is my promise to you all:
I will not eat "Junk" or anything unhealthy from today till my Engagement party,
I will give up my once a week Dare ice coffee (them i will miss)
I will workout everyday
I will walk everyday
I will swim more 
I will drink more water


30 days till the new me.
I can do this and i will do this.

So stay tuned and i will keep you updated.

Starting weight 145.3kgs 

Im nervous and worried that i wont be able to lose enough weight but im going to give it one hell of a go.

Thank you all for the support. 
Love always
Mandy
xoxo

My Cowboy Guardian Angel

So today was the 10 year anniversary of my best friends death and i survived the day with only a few tears this year, which is the first time since he died.
His name was Jarrod, he was only 23 years old when he died tragicly in a car accident only a little over a month before my 18th birthday.
The very first time i met him he was riding a massive white horse with black spots and he was so proudly shirtless, my mum told me there was a cowboy outside to meet me. 
When i went outside i cracked up laughing, he was so proudly covered in cow poo.
He was as rough as sand paper on the outside but had a heart of gold, little did i know then how much of a impact he would have on my life.
To me he was more like a big brother than just my best friend, He was the type of friend who could make me smile even when i felt like crying or could make me furious with just one sentence.
From that day on we became best mates and my life would never be the same again.
He used to do some stupid things though to make me laugh, Thats him in the photo at the top of this blog, He dressed up in my clothes one night when i was feeling a bit down, He did it just to make me smile, thats the type of guy he was. 
There was also a time when he dug up my mums tulips and planted sunflowers outside my window just to make me smile. 
That memory still brings a smile to my face. 
Whenever we would argue he would do the most annoying things to make me talk to him again, When i was studying at tafe he came into the classroom and refused to leave until i agreed to have lunch with him because he was bored and had the day off work. 
I can still remember the look on my tafe teachers face, she was not impressed. 
Some of the most mischievous & sometimes dangerous moments of my life were with him & yet the only time i would change would be the last time i saw him, If i could do that day again i would call him back for one last hug and tell him not to go.
He was the one friend that even if we were in a argument and i didnt want to talk to him, he would still come over to my place everyday just to sit and watch tv with me even though i didnt want to talk to him, His theory was he could sit there in silence just to spend time with me and on the off chance i would forgive him for what ever stupid thing he had done, Sitting in silence was defiantly not his strong point and of course it never took me very long to for me to start talking to him. 
The last memory i have of him is the day he died, i spent the afternoon with him that day and even though i was sad that he was going we still laughed, had fun & of course watched the awesome cowboy movie called  "8 Seconds", We watched my dvd of that movie that many times im surprised it still works.f
The last conversation i had with him we were sitting on the back of his ute and made a promise to meet up at the start of the Nullarbor for our birthday, his birthday is the day after mine. 
Sadly that promise was one he never kept as it was only a few hours later that he died. 
During our many conversations he would talk so proudly of his sisters and brothers, he was such a proud big brother and loved them so much. 
Im not sure if he ever told them but all you had to do was mention family and he would light up when he spoke of his siblings although he lived along way away from them they were never far from his mind.
I remember the moment i was told he had died, to me it felt like i had lost a part of myself, to me he was like a big brother and i felt like my world had ended. 
When i went into my room that night to go to sleep, i was angry, hurt & shattered. 
I pulled the blankets back on my bed hoping to climb into my comfy warm queen size water bed and there on my brand new white silk sheets was Jarrods last message to me in massive permanent black marker he had written "Jarrod was here" 
I remember instantly i smiled through my tears, i was so annoyed that he had done it but at the same time it kind of gave me comfort. That night like many other nights after i cried myself to sleep.
I didnt go to his funeral, i still lived at home, didnt have my licence and my mum wouldnt take me, so i had no way of getting there. It hurt like hell that he was gone but then i didnt get to say goodbye made it harder.
I struggled extremely hard to let anyone else get close to me again after that,
I pushed away alot of friends because i thought that anyone who got close i would lose and i couldnt handle the pain of losing another friend & i still find it hard even now to open up and let people in.
I finally went to visit Jarrods grave a couple of years ago with my Fiancé Rob, my big brother inlaw and sister inlaw.
That was a hard day, I suppose looking back now because i had the last day with him and he was going travelling so i said goodbye but it wasnt really a goodbye it was more a see you later goodbye, so when Rob suggested that we go to Wonthaggi and visit Jarrods grave i wasnt sure if i would be able to do it, after many years of rob asking me every year on either Jarrods anniversary or his birthday if i wanted to go i finally gave in.
That day driving to Wonthaggi for the first time, it felt almost like a dream, it was like i was expecting to see him there instead of a name on a nice plaque. 
I was quiet all the way (which for me is very strange) i just looked out the window and took in the coountry side.
When we pulled into the cemetery my heart was racing, It was a cold day and it was Jarrods birthday, the sea wind was so cold on my cheeks, the ground was damp & i could smell the sea air.
Rob & his big brother helped me find Jarrods grave, As i turned the corner to walk down the aisle i seen his name and my heart stopped and i sank to the ground crying. 
I had told Rob before we got there that i felt i needed to be alone for a while when we found the grave, I know walking away that day and leaving me crying on the ground was hard for Rob but i wanted to do it by myself.
I really dont think i wouldve ever gone there if it wasnt for the support of Rob.
We have been back a few times and when we go to Melbourne we try to make a trip out to Wonthaggi to put some flowers on Jarrods grave.
Jarrod is buried beside his father who sadly passed away a couple of days after Jarrod, the grave plaques are nice with the rm williams bull horns on them, its something that Jarrod would love.
To this day i still miss him and to talk about him still brings a tear to my eye, but today is the first time in years that i only cried a few tears, This year i made a point in remembering the good fun times we had instead of that his gone.  
Im hoping that one day Rob and i will get to go to the Nullarbor & then i will be able to dance on the border like Jarrod and i had planned.
I hope he can see me on my Wedding day when i marry the love of my life Rob, I wish that he had gotten to meet Rob, but im sure if he can see me now he would know how happy i am and that i have finally found "My One". 
Ive needed him so much over the past 10 years and the last year and a bit has been the toughest with me fighting Cancer, Even though i can not see him anymore im sure he is still with me as i carry him with me in my memories.
He was a rough but gentle cowboy who had a heart of gold.
I will share more memories about Jarrod with you all but this is enough for now as remembering brings many tears to my eyes.
May he forever Rest In Peace.

Love Always

Mandy
xoxo